Vivid Dreams of Defeat

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It was such a vivid dream…

 

I could almost feel the presence of all its characters, and the emotions within myself…

It was all so movie like… with the cutaway scenes of others speaking to one another without my presence… even my own character was ignorant of these exchanges … yet I could still hear some of what was said in my absences… while other times, I experienced these strange mundane “tween” scenes where I am in an elevator, dressed in some strange hotel bellhop-like garb with buttons in the armpits to connect the shoulder pads and chest covering… and I had miss-buttoned them in such a way the garment was crooked on my body…

 

I was in the elevator with my current roommate… he played no other part but to be crowding me in the elevator while I tried to finish getting my attire properly fastened. There were at least 8 others in the elevator car that could have probably accommodated 20 people at maximum capacity. Eventually, I stood up to get myself in better airspace in the already huge elevator with 3 tinted glass walls and tipped his seat sideways. Before he fell over, I grabbed his seat to keep him from slipping off of it… all the while feeling as though I was going to have a panic attack… like the air was too thick to breath…

 

It was in the next scene, I walked through a hallway that was akin to the stairwell of a hotel, concrete walkways lined with steel, the tubular stairwell rails both painted red… I stripped down into my t-shirt and dress pants. The sensation of uncomfortable suffocation was causing me much anxiety before I exited the elevator… then there is blankness…

 

The next sequence of the dream then began, and I exited the stairwell and entered a corridor, seemingly on a high level of the massive building the majority of this tale took place in…. I arrived at a door with a push button buzzer and keycard access with only a small window. The floor appeared to be of a greenish white color, made of some sort of cheap wax tile, or thin stone without large grout lines. As the door lock signaled that the door was now unlocked, I pushed the door open and took a step and a half inside… only to stop and realize that I must have dropped my jacket somewhere along the way. Before I spoke with anyone in the office, I began frantically looking through the hallway, and then through the corridor, yet not recalling where I had been exactly before I entered the stairwell and what specific details occurred upon leaving the elevator… the only thing I knew, was that I lost the jacket somewhere in between. I wanted to find it because it matched my pants, and it was a rather formal and expensive piece of attire that was rather unique and perhaps somehow sentimental…. It was in this moment of feeling the anxiety in my dream-state that I awoke….

 

Strange?

 

It gets better…

 

From what I recall, the start of my dream included me visiting my grandparents… and while I never had any dialog with either of them, I remember that heaviness of responsibility and urgency to make myself present for them, and enjoy each other’s company. Somehow… somewhere along the line, I ran into the woman I had a serious relationship with about 4 years ago. We were in a public setting, but few nameless and faceless people were involved with our conversation at the table we sat at. It was the next scene now… and it was her and I alone… in a hotel-like room… and I cannot recall exactly what was said, or even the actual events that occurred… only the outcome… and even that is a bit of a mystery…. Hence why I am recording it in this document·

I am almost certain there was an exchange of intimacy … a kiss, a sexual experience… perhaps a confession of a burning desire… I’m really not sure… but I felt just as I had 4 years ago when she and I broke it off.

 

Empty…

 

somehow cheated…

 

unfulfilled…

 

and the worst feeling of all of these… a great sense of loss…

 

There was an awkward moment where I encountered her sitting next to a woman a little older than myself, she seemed to in her late 30s or early 40s, but she had a distinct coldness about her. She appeared to be somewhat successful, and had an air about her that led me to believe she had no worries over money. While I do not recall being properly introduced to her, nor do I recall any exchanges in conversation taking place between the two of us… I do have a recollection of somehow catching the “vibes” of conversation between my ex and this woman… it was something to the effect of “you should leave him out in the cold, and not concern yourself with his feelings… or his desires.” While I can’t sustain that to be the case, since I have no recollection of the conversation itself, this outcome is what is so mysterious to me… am I being vulnerable and paranoid? Is that truly what the “intention” of the conversation was? Could they have been discussing some kind of business matter instead? Did my ex also have some kind of closure she was seeking? Or did she have no regard at all for the relationship in the first place? Did she act purely out of impulse in sharing the intimate moment? Did she react out of loneliness? I find humor in the fact that these are all questions I have asked myself a million times in the phase of “recovery” from the relationship.

The sad clown smiles to hide his pain as his spectators who expect him to self-deprecate for their amusement….

 

There was another scene that followed that I just could not make much sense of at all. There was a point where I wanted to see her, to really find out if we both wanted this to really be over… but something was keeping me from “executing” an action to put this burning passion to its ultimate test…

 

Time?

 

Knowledge of her location?

 

I…. just… don’t.. know.

 

I recall wanting to figure it all out… and I took a moment sitting at the top of a parking garage underpass to think about it all. It was a feeling of “This is the moment in time in which you need to act… but since I am clueless as to how to act… I surrender… in this very same moment… I surrender to the sensation of… defeat… of unfulfilled desire… of loss… But mostly… Defeat.

 

It was then, as I stared blankly at all the cars drive by below, that my gaze caught a glimpse of… guess who?

 

The ex.

 

It was but a brief moment, maybe 2 or 3 seconds total… she was in the passenger seat of a silver car with the middle aged woman. I could not help but to call out some twisted form of laughter, full of intention to land on her ears, to make her aware of my presence. It was like a reflex more than it was voluntary… As my brief “ha-HA” echoed against the concrete walls of the entrance underpass, she began to turn her head back to look… but I was not sure if she noticed me… or if she knew it was me somehow.

It was then that I arrived in the large elevator, dressed to the gills, and suffocating in a thick air of the spacious elevator car that seemed more like a rail-car used at an airport…

 

So… to recap… I was visiting my grandparents… yet I do not recall my encountering them at all in this dream. Could this reflect how my “Midwest” trips to see my family tend to become more about myself and my emotional discord than spending quality time with my family? Hm… “Midwest” does have a lot of painful memories for me that I need to work out. This… I am aware of… but is that of significance in this dream? And the burning passions that I have for love itself… is the manifestation of this particular ex-girlfriend indicative of a love for a specific person, namely her, or is it more metaphorical in a sense that I feel a lack of love… of intimacy… of satisfaction in my life…? Was she simply the muse? Or is it specifically about her?

 

While I sit here trying to recall all the details of the dream, I do have a left over curiosity about the above disclosed events… but I am rather curious by nature. I cannot say this particular ex of mine and I had a fantastic relationship in the first place… while I have never trusted someone I have loved so much… and we did have one hell of fantastic beginning… there were a few times where I could have very likely ended up incarcerated over the public display of irrationality and explosive resentment. I feel that in many ways, the relationship opened me up to a lot of things I had closed myself off to previously… and I was able to grow exponentially in the year that followed our breakup on an emotional level… so… between staying out of jail, keeping my heart from being punted like a football on 4th and long, and the emotional growth… I cannot feel a great sense of regret without justification using selfish reasons… ironically… I realize that I could very well be justifying my “true” feelings of comfort within my soul for the outcome with the same events… perhaps I am hiding how I really feel… even to myself?

 

It is all still so very confusing.

 

This dream has reminded me of these feelings that I thought would pass with time. It is now a question to me as to whether or not I have unfinished business to settle with said ex, or just unfinished business within my own dealings with my emotional progression. Have I grown from the past experiences at all? Have I been fooling myself to believe that I have in order to make sense of my life? Or have I grown to my limits, to the point to where I now require a final dose of “closure”?

Perhaps… now I am ready to deal with the reality, and not have my judgment clouded by selfish desires, or the “acting out” of my own emotional dysfunction… perhaps…. Now I can better separate my personal issues from hers… or any person for that matter. This certainly seems to be the case to me… but maybe… I haven’t grown at all. Maybe this is a scab that I picked over and over in order to maintain appearances…. To spite the gods in the offerings of pain and anguish my emotions have endured…

Maybe…

I need to suffer a little more…

This possibility I continue to reject. Because the scars I bear show that healing has occurred here, and the idea of my higher power wishing a continued and indefinite suffering upon me goes against my fundamental beliefs in the healing ability of time, reason, and faith.

 

So… why then was my knee-jerk reaction to call out to this woman when I had already conceded that I had lost her for all of time? Why was I even there… in that moment… seeing her by complete chance in the same time-space as my thoughts were focused upon her during my dream sequence?

What does it mean?

Could it be that I lie to myself to make sense of that which I have no understanding of? Should I have just forgotten about her when she made the decision to cut me out of her life? I have never been good at forgetting those which I have loved…

Though… sometimes…

I really do try.

Perhaps that is the ending of that era… and in my new era of life experience, I can be honest and forthcoming with my feelings about someone I care about, while still respectful of the decision to walk away from me.

This part is both painful and confusing… because I am not sure how many times I could sit and watch such a thing happen to me without eventually losing the unshakable confidence in the universe to provide me with the answers I do not even know I am receiving…

Perhaps I should have just watched the car drive away with a smile on my face, realizing that this chapter of my life was over… and be full of joy and thrills of what is next to come… this sounds more like “me”… and my reaction to “letting go”. Though I must admit… I have often left like there is an inevitable exchange that needs to take place between this particular ex and myself. I have since forgiven all my other exes that I felt a deep sense of “love” for… and also apologized to for things I could not seem to during our “love connection”… and I no longer feel such “inevitability” for exchanges with those women…

 

There is a 3rd possibility that I could have reacted in… the one that takes me to jumping on the roof of a speeding car to follow her into the parking garage, and profess my undying love for her as she attempts to leave me seemingly “forever”. That possibility involves a complete lack of defense for my true emotions, and is typically filled with illogical and irrational behaviors justified by a sense of “faith in the impossible”… I am not above reacting in such a dramatic fashion… and as I recall from our relationship… such drama of “saving the bond between us” happened somewhat frequently. This reminds me of the time I drove from Cincinnati to Chicago to see my first true love before she went off to live in Colorado with her mother. Missed her at the Cincinnati airport, and tried to catch her at her layover in Chicago. Perhaps such actions only work out for the best in the movies… but I consider it a test of my resolve for love itself… even 13 years later…

 

Why all of those “alternates” to my dream sequence exist… why is it that the ACTUAL dream is so much more difficult for me to understand? I suppose there is another possible situation… perhaps I didn’t really see her at all… and it was someone else entirely, but my imagination manifested her to appear in that instance and I am completely fucking nuts, even in my own dreams…

 

Whatever the case may be… it is now rather apparent to me that I need to “work things out” for myself, and somehow move past whatever it is that is giving me this sensation of drowning in open air…. The sense of loss for that which is superficial, like the missing jacket… the way I could not be comfortable when it was properly button and worn… and what is keeping me from entering the doorway with controlled access?… Why I am distracted by all these events enough to let the door close behind me?… 

When I should just be looking forward… to experience what is next.

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