I’ve been bumming around the Bay for the last few months… I decided to try out the “Future Career Hat” during my last few classes I have left to meet my goal of earning a Masters of Business Administration. There have been a few incidents that scream “cleansing process” in this trek… My second car is now toasting in my front yard with a seized motor, my wallet disappeared from my disc golf bag during a round a few weeks ago… and I’ve been extremely reclusive, keeping to myself more than usual, and quite frankly… at a loss for self-discipline and direction.
But then… today I added the local transit authority to my social media while looking up the bus schedule to get me to class in the city later today. The local Bay bus system, which is actually quite adequate in this town. Thankfully. While my social media was open, I find a message from a woman that I’ve admired from afar for a few years now… she and I share some kind of uncanny bond that leaves me feeling like she could fuel my soul in ways that actually scare me. Yes. That’s right. Fear. Straight up FEAR.
So… why would this beautiful, awesome, incredible, sexy, gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, fantastic, intelligent, spiritual, loving, compassionate woman SCARE me????????? That’s what I’m asking myself… when I decided to just write it out. Right here. Right now. I want… I NEED to put this into intention… I need to write it out… and feel it come out of my fingertips, and see it with my own eyes, and feel it for what it really is. Why the HELL am I feeling FEAR?
Because I’m closed off.
That’s the raw and gritty truth.
I’m fucking terrified… for many reasons.
What if she isn’t impressed with my in constant transition, nervous, anxious, crude, slightly cynical, scared, insecure, undisciplined persona that I anticipate should we ever come face to face? It’s easy to be awesome through pictures and quippy quotes I post with social media, and jovial and playful IM conversations… but what about REAL and IN PERSON confrontation of this unique and special connection we share? I’m getting short on breath just thinking about it…
That’s all just for starters… I mean… what if I’m too short? Not in shape enough? Not intelligent enough? Not spiritual enough? Not “together” enough? Not financially stable enough?
It feels real REAL good to see this spelled out…
Because I actually the answers to THESE questions…
Since when do I let my “average-ness” become an issue with women regard to my self-image? I’m a rather standard American male, statistically: average height, average hair, average eyes, average weight and BMI; I like football, outdoors, good beer, good company, and making a difference. I’ve dated women that are ranging from less than 5-foot to 6-foot plus.
I never cared before, why would I start now?
Why WOULD I?
Not intelligent enough?
Perhaps the reason I have this fear is the same reason I admire her… because SHE is rather intelligent… and living by “comparison” is NOT my style at ALL… I mean… I’m courses away from my graduate degree, yea she has hers already… but come on man… I’m this close, and nothing is going to stop me from getting it done. Perhaps part of the reason I feel I’m not “spiritual” enough is because she is so extraordinarily spiritual herself… again… another reason I admire her… and she has never been short of spreading the love for mankind in the years we have kept in touch… perhaps it’s selfish of me… but I feel I can gain in my own “together-ness” through the spirituality that so willingly and intentionally spreads…
after all… you get what you give.
As for the financial part… I don’t get the “gold-digger” mentality from this girl… she seems more interested in the “experience” of life itself, rather than the acquisition of “things”. Again… another reason I admire her so. Besides, I have made the conscious CHOICE to take the risk, and take a legitimate stab at running a start-up business that is both personally rewarding and potentially lucrative. The risk is, I am not working a regular 40-hour grind, so I don’t know when my next check is coming, or even where it’s coming from.
So… what the hell is my problem then?!
The best answer I have… is that I’m “closed off”. Closed off to meeting a romantic partner, closed off to “putting myself out there” with any consistent effort, closed off to… Love. I mean… Love is some seriously powerful stuff… how do I know if she is for real? What if she is just a big of a train wreck as I am?…
Wouldn’t that be something…
It makes me smile just thinking about it…
I remember when I was younger, I would do things like work out a little more often, eat better, find new hobbies, seek more business opportunities, stop bad habits, and seeks more spirituality, and more balance in my life, all in anticipation of FINDING Love.
Why not do these things ANYWAY? I have my own answer… I just don’t like the reality of the situation… The answer is… that I’m no longer open to Love in the same ways I once was… and that sucks. It really really does… but it is true.
What if… what if she really is something special yet to happen to me? What if… when she comes into town for a convention next month… we totally hit it off… fall madly in Love… and travel the world together? Accomplish grand and beautiful things for the betterment of the world as we know it? Have babies and living abroad during the summers when the children aren’t in school?… What if we don’t have kids, and living together, happy and fulfilled with only each other?
I think I’d be ok with either scenario…
I’m really glad I put all that out there. I feel better already.