“The Chicago Incident”

Ever since the 7th grade I always knew that I was a lover… I always knew that I had a lot of love to give to just one girl. Of course my first girlfriend… she shit all over me too, and it’s been nothing but a trend ever since, but there are moments in my past that I have been less than admirable… Such as…

“The Chicago Incident”

I was completely head over heels for this 4-eyed, brace-faced, diabetic drunk stoner back in High School… in my 2nd sophomore year I feel in love for the first time.

-sigh-

It was fucking magical. We used to make out for hours at a time… write tons of notes to each other in class… skip classes, get in trouble for P.D.A., profess our undying love for each other on a daily basis… and Fuck… all night long, just about every time we were together, and that was a lot haha… We tried to keep count of how many times he had sex, but gave up after we hit the 200 mark… sometimes you weren’t sure if you should count it as a “whole fuck” if you got interrupted somehow, so the statistical analysis got a bit dicey, but that’s the sort of thing you learn through experience when you’re barely 16 years old I suppose…

We were together for about 8 1/2 months, but to this day it feels more like years.

I’ve never went through so much emotional agony and self-torment, I used to write twisted fucked up poetry to capture my madness, and I did too. Funny how I always knew that one day I would look back on my works and be able to decipher exactly what I was feeling, much like my blogs have become my means of self-expression as of late. In the end of our crazy love ride… I had to break it off with this girl… it was one of the hardest things I have ever done… still to this day. I’m not sure if anyone can understand just how fucked up I was over this girl… I would have jumped in front of traffic to save this girl without so much as a hesitation… I did things like confront her father for being an asshole, stepped up to her step sister for being a lying thieving cunt whore… gave her little sister rides when she asked me too, and I even went to Colorado for a month during that summer because I just couldn’t stand to be away from her for more than a few weeks.

I was dangerously in love… and I figured it out that hard way… This girl was always such a life to a room; she had a way of attracting attention to herself and bringing a smile to your face. She wasn’t drop dead gorgeous beautiful to the rest of the world, but she was to me. I didn’t give a shit what people thought, I loved her, and I never once held back. Yet on the flip side, she was out of control… she hated her life at home, and she didn’t take care of herself at ALL. She was a diabetic…

but she would drink… a lot.

She used to be infamous for her No-Doze consumption, and she was a HUGE stoner, (in fact, I smoked my first joint with her) she would try anything for a buzz… something that I never was able to get over though… was the time she says to me: “I’m sorry I’m a little fucked up, I just snorted a birth control pill in Math class…”

whew……….. I know how to pick ’em….

Eventually I gave up on putting off the inevitable… between the white lies, and the fucked up lifestyle, and her secrets that she kept, I gave up on having any kind of a future together… One night after we had spent some time talking… I had to end our relationship once and for all. I didn’t WANT to lose the love of my life… but my life had gone through a lot of changes that made it real convenient for me to end things with her, and after the things we wanted to work on hadn’t gotten any better, It had to end… but my sick twisted mind somehow justified grabbing her and making out through all the tears that poured out from both our bloodshot eyes…

It was but a few weeks later that had found myself filling my evenings off work with some new faces. There were a few girls that had apparently marked me for playtime… only I was just too stupid at the time to have any clue what was really going on in their heads… One girl wanted to hang out as “friends” and I was cool with that, I guess the whole grabbing of my crotch should have told me something ELSE was up… I had never had a girl do anything like that before, and in all honesty, it completely freaked me out haha…

-sigh-

It’s funny how far I’ve come… anyway… this other girl was blatantly trying to fuck, she was a HOT lil blonde… and I was still a blonde virgin… in fact, my first love was the only girl that I had been with at that time… perhaps that’s why I held her so close to my heart… and in ways… I still do. At any rate, this girl wanted to date… well… I think all she really wanted was my cock, but that’s only in hind-sight do I see this now.

But… no…

My DUMB ASS asks her to be my girl… then I give her my pager (this is pre-cell phone days, yes… I’m that fucking old) and I said “Since I can never get a hold of you when I call you, why don’t you use my pager for a little while?”

The next day I had some ghetto rap bullshit playing on my message instead of one of my psycho poems on the month that I used to recite before it went to voicemail, and she never would answer any of my pages…

All the while I have all this female chaos going on… (this ain’t even the HALF of it…) I can’t quit thinking about the ex… she flipped out on me pretty bad, she swore up and down that she may be pregnant and that she couldn’t get a test because her family would freak out and her sisters would Narc her out if they found out she got a test… so… that left me to go pick her up… buy a test… and take her back to my house… all while my new girl was actually in the mood to call me and talk… of course… fuck!.. she was NOT pregnant… shocker… after my new girlfriend quit talking to me… shortly after the pregnancy scare, the crotch grabbing chick poured it on…

and well… I caved in.

I totally cheated on my girlfriend… it was also the worst sexual performance I have ever gave still to this day, only to rival that of the first night I stayed in Tennessee during “The Tennessee Incident”. I guess I have issues when I have a lot on my mind… that’s why having a familiar pussy makes it so much better… but anyway… she was the 2nd girl I’ve ever fucked… or even kissed below the waist for that matter… she liked that part. -grin- she liked it a lot… but she practically begged me to be her boyfriend AFTER the fact… and well… I just couldn’t say no to a butt-naked hottie that just gave me quite possibly the best head I’d ever had at that time of my life.

Talk about selling yourself… damn.

So there I am… with 2 girlfriends, no pager, and a broken heart.

I went through a defining moment that made me go down in the history books as a bas ass of “Farmfield” High… I’ll definitely have to write about that some time… but the important thing was that I ended up making everything even worse. I hadn’t given up on Girlfriend ..1, and I was cheating on Girlfriend ..2 with the ex… a lot. I mean I was fuckin’ that pussy UP. It definitely added something to the sexual relationship we now had… we were friends before we were lovers, and we stayed friends… even continued to share a locker together, but we never got back together… she had made arrangements to move to Colorado permanently to live with her Mom. She was leaving me… I was having quite a month… because I also had a 19 year old co-worker develop a sort of crush on me at work. I worked at Taco Bell with this girl… she had a boyfriend, but she would always come up to work on her days off and smoke me out on my breaks… one night while we were hanging out after hours and driving around… we went back to my place…. and well… she was ..3 for me.

I was the original naive pimp daddy….

I guess…

more like an “asshole”…

The day came for my first Love to leave for Colorado… I had what I thought to be my Best friend B and still one of my dear friends even-though-she-used-to-want-to-jump-my-bones Pegz with me and we had been out all night after I got out of work at 4:30am. Her plane left at around 7:30am, and here I was… hanging out with “number three” getting high… and head! at 6am, while I let Ben borrow my car (Nissan 200 SX coupe with a missing driver side quarter panel, woot! woot!) when she says to me,

“You’ll never make it to the airport in time… I knew if I kept you here you wouldn’t.”

What a fucking BITCH.

The worst part was… she was dead right.

I told her I still had time, and the way I used to drive (ha) I really did… I had her take me back to my car and we tried to haul ass to get to the Cincinnati airport, but I honestly had no fucking clue how to get there, and we ended up taking I-275 headed the wrong direction…

I missed her…

I didn’t get to see her off… I fucked up.

Real real bad.

I was NOT thinking clearly at all under the circumstances… but I had about $100 in my pocket and a lot of aggression. I turned to my fellow passengers Ben and Peggy and I said, “She’s got an hour layover in Chicago right?”

-grin-

I found out just how hard you can run an 11 year old Nissan, and how far away Illinois is when you don’t have a fucking clue where you are. I had bought this map that had a lot of back road routes from some gas station some place, and did my damnedest to get to downtown Chicago and beat that fucking airplane. Failure was not an option. we saw many people getting pulled over for doing less than the 108 miles an hour we maintained for a solid 3 hours… but they never came after us. It was about 11:30a.m. now, and we had strolled into the downtown Chicago area when we realized that we had an extra hour due to the time zone change. This is really going to happen… I was really going to make it. When we found an airport, it was a tiny little regional airport, but we asked them for some directions… I’m sure we looked like a car full of normal fun loving kids at the ripe age of 16 with out of state tags and frantic mania in our voices… but the gentlemen pointed out something I hadn’t even thought about… he asked me “Which one? Midway or O’Hare?”

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff*******************************ck

I honestly had no clue… and as I tried to haul ass to find the nearest one and hope that it would be the right one… I looked at the time… 12:20pm… I had 10 minutes… and even though I was doing 100 everywhere I was going in Chicago, I was barely keeping up with traffic.

I fit right in with the Crazy ass assholes that can NOT fuckin’ drive in Chicago with my missing quarter-panel and my pedal to the metal….

I missed her… again… I was trying not to buckle under the conditions…

I was still coming down from my adrenaline rush, and OH SHIT what a rush it was…. we were all starving… and B had been to Chicago before and knew about “Ed Debevic’s”, a lil diner right down the street from the Hard Rock McDonald’s of downtown Chicago. Great little place, full of unique memorabilia and out of work actors and actresses. I completely recommend that you check it out, it’s badass, to this day it’s one of my favorite places to eat, and for Chicago… it’s actually kind of reasonable.

The 3 of us sat together having an absolute blast with everything going on around us, it’s a moment that I’ll never forget, and I’ll cherish forever… but when it came time to start heading back home… it really hit me hard. I was hurting so bad from missing out on seeing her go… I knew she would be back to visit and such, but… it was just the principle of the thing… After nodding off at the wheel doing 100 mph, I had a rare urge to get out from behind the wheel…

I let Ben take over and Peggy sit up in front while I laid down in the back seat… where I was left to think those terrible thoughts to myself…. and no stereo because the one in the car at the time had no antenna or tape deck or CD player….

Just my thoughts mixed with the droning sound of my tires against the pavement.

I kept thinking about how I wanted to be there so bad… and I fucked up… when I then stepped outside myself for a moment to look at the bigger picture… sure, I was hurting… but what about her? She loved me so much… I know she did. With all the pain I was feeling, I caused it all it, it was all my own fucking fault.

But I hurt her…

I hurt her…

I let her down.

And… that’s when I buckled…

right there…

in the back seat of my own car, some where in Northern Indiana on some back country road…

I bawled my fucking eyes out.

We made it back ok, but I think we had about $5 between the 3 of us and nearly ran out of gas. Life was forever changed for all of us after that day.. or night… or 2 days… or whatever it was. Life continued to get more and more FUCKED up in the Midwest for me, I went through a lot of shit, mostly bad shit too. Perhaps that was karma making the universe balance out… because I sure as shit deserved it. I’m no saint… and I have to admit that if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, yet I have to learn from my mistakes, and be honest with myself about where I come from. It’s been about 8 years that this all happened and what is eerie is that I still have some of the same flaws… and I still fail miserably at handling certain situations with any tact at all.

I’m still fundamentally the same person I used to be, just a lot more refined, and far wiser than I ever thought possible… but we can’t get to where we are today without living out the moments of our past.

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