Love… Is What I Got

I admit it…

I’ve got to do it sooner or later, it’s doing me no good at all trying to avoid it…

My dumb ass…

Fell in love.

I fell for this girl who said and did all the right things at first…

she was cool

awesome…

I got totally caught up in her.

But then… she turned out to be something else.

It’s a matter of opinion on how to cope with something like this… but moreso a cause for investigation…

what the fuck was I thinking?

fact is… I wasn’t…

I wasn’t thinking at all…

and that’s the part I loved.

It’s funny how all this dumb shit I go through… I still ASK for it.

“I still ask for the abuse, I still end up the sucker. I don’t believe… that I could be so stupid, and so naive… I don’t believe, there is nothing… nothing left for me.” -Stabbing Westward

damn man… that about nails it.

I have been getting so fucking lonely lately, I went and made up this fantasy girl in a real girls body… fuck… I’ve never been more sure I wanted anything than this girl… Much like the cookie in your mouth right this moment… that… is the best cookie you have ever had. You get caught up in the moment… you lose all motor functions and speech capabilities… and it turns out this girl thinks thats just SO hot. I’ve been thinking hard about this girl… the things we did, the things we said to each other, and ultimately… the end result. From this, I will learn about myself… and about the world I live in. The Lesson learned: Drinking… doesn’t help a relationship. I met this girl and just went on the biggest alcohol binge I’ve been on since the 90’s, I’m pretty sure We drank every night we were together, and we got at least semi-shit faced every time but the last 2 nights together… Me… yes… ME of all guys… was willing to try to make something with this girl.

I romanticized the whole scenario a bit, but man… I just want to settle in with a girl, I want to make my girls day everyday I see her… everyday I’m with her… I want my bitches tail to wag when I come home. What I found was much like what I left to ROT with my ex… cold stares and a lack of interest and worst of all, a lack of passion. I would come home from work when she would stay at my house all day and find that she wasn’t at all interested in me… how my day went, what I wanted to do, whats new in my life, whats new in hers… but most of all… she wasn’t interested in kissing me. I LOVE kissing a girl. fuck me for saying so. It may sound trivial, or maybe even shallow… I NEED my girl to kiss me. Even if she SUCKS at kissing, and she just makes the effort… that’s my girl. Even though she didn’t satisfy this criteria… I still fell head over heels… and I did… I think it was because this girl was… dare I say it; Trainable. She’s not just some bitch… I’m not trying to make her out to be rotten and evil… but she had the attitude for being a great girlfriend… just not to me. Broken… she actually said to me… “Can’t you see that I’m broken?”

I was there… almost exactly one year ago to the day.

I met a girl that was nearly as beautiful at an EarthDay BirthDay Festival last year, and she wanted to make me her man after the first 24 hours we spent together.

Huh…

irony at it’s best.

I said no.

I said no… “I’m not ready yet.”

Believe me… I’ve spent some time rolling over that moment in my head thinking that maybe I should have taken that risk… she was awesome… I came home from working a short shift the day after the concert and she had been waiting for me to come home… so she could fire up a phatty with me.

When I walked through my front door This gorgeous woman fires it up, takes a hit, kisses me… oh my GOD that girl could kiss… and then hands me the Jay. “You regret the risks that you don’t take.” right? I called this girl a few months ago, just to see what she had been up to. She made it practically impossible to keep in touch, so I made the effort by calling around and hunting her down at work. She told me she was busy, to call her back in 20 minutes. When I called her back, I was told that “… she doesn’t wish to speak to you.” by someone else.

Yes… I’m sure I missed out on some incredible times with this girl. But I sure as shit didn’t miss out on any incredible times.

My life has been crazy, but at the end of the day, I still love being me. My lost love… the one that I can’t get out of my skull… she will surely feel the same way I do now someday… So… rather than continue to be upset and angered by thoughts and feelings of disappointment and pain, I choose to be Inspired. I didn’t know that I had it in me again… I didn’t know that I could feel that way about someone again. I never imagined that I could get so swept away with a girl after all the shit I’ve been through. Scars. They are but wounds that have healed, yet have left there mark. I had some of the best moments of my life with this girl, I felt like we connected on a meaningful level… I felt like what we had was more than what I’ve found lately, I was convinced… even if it was only in my own head… there was definite chemistry. “You have had an entire year to heal…, I haven’t.”

There is the obvious reaction of rejection and disappointment when someone tells you something like that in response to an attempt to share deeper feelings for someone… and there is my way.

She’s right.

I’ve had an entire year to heal. While I may never be the same… the Scars are massive… They have healed. I now know that I’m ready for it when it comes. I’ll find my girl. I’m really not in any rush, I just really did fall hard in love with this one… is this love? Maybe she did kind of shit all over me, but she is only doing the same thing I am. Enjoying life. Enjoying the moments. I really don’t hate her, but I do realize that I can’t love her either. I may have fallen in love, but WHAT I fell in love with is the important thing to me right now… I have zero regrets about how her and I connected… I have no regrets of ever meeting her or spending all my precious time I could with her… but… I can’t say I was in love with her when I put her on the plane, especially after such short notice of her leaving.

In the back of my mind I knew the only reason why we sat there next to each other in the airport… with her head on my shoulder… was for my benefit. I seriously doubt that she misses me at all… and if she did, would she tell me? See… I have feelings for the girl, no doubt about that, just as 876298545236543214 other guys that have or have not met her in person do as well I’m sure… but to love someone… “It takes time to get to know the person”. What I know of her, she is hurt. Very bad. She hasn’t had the best of lives, and she doesn’t have a lot of direction. I wanted to help her get her shit together, I wanted… to save her. But I’m just as fucked. And I see that now. I can’t even save myself, I’ve got so much shit going on in my life at this moment, where could I squeeze this girls drama into my life? At least I have a loosely formed plan, I have some roots in places that I can plant myself in and grow, be it here in The Dirty South with a select handful of people, or back in the Midwest. She is just now starting to make something of her life… she just lacks the work ethic, yet that could be overcome by her ambition… -sigh- The more I learn about this girl, the more I realize that it’s not what she IS that I fell in love with, but the person I see her becoming. She’s got all the components I look for in a mate, she just doesn’t utilize them all.

I loved what she could be, what she is right now is not capable of true love… I’m not going to do that to myself again. Things are as they should be… if we would have started a relationship together and she acted like she did when she hung up on me… if she kept assuming things about how I felt, without knowing… if she would have tried to hurt me by going through with sleeping in my roommates bed that night… I would have gotten hurt even worse than I already have. I feel used. I hadn’t even gotten her to the airport yet… but I made sure I brought all the “soon-to-be-little-reminders” of her to her attention… I didn’t want her to forget anything. -grin- I made sure I brought the empty bottle of Jager too… I had plans for that.

The flight had about an hour before it left, we sat together for a brief moment per her request. I couldn’t help thinking about how she is probably only being warm towards me because she feels like she owes me at least that much… Maybe I was completely off in thinking that, but she never made it a point to share her feelings with me, and frankly, I didn’t want to put myself out there anymore without at least little more reciprocity on her part. Even though these negative thoughts and doubts passed through my head, I have no regrets about any of this… I just wanted to live in the moment. When we rose to our feet, I kissed her lips for the last time… I let my grip on her fingers slip slowly away… I watch her show her boarding pass, and then her eyes landed on me for the last time… something in my gut told me that she wouldn’t follow through with what she said she would do. “I’ll let you know I made it safe… I’ll try to get a number that you can call me at so we can keep in touch.” and then she spoke those haunting words:

“Don’t forget about me.”

I watched her turn away after that final glance, and I turned around the other way and took that long lonely walk. If I must be lonely, I think I’d rather be alone. I got to my car… and I smiled at my true love. I do love her… sometimes its like she is what makes life worth living in the darkest days… Love that is unconditional… sure shes got expensive tastes (Pure synthetic oil changes with K&N Oil filters and BP 93 Octane, Z rated tires) and she’s high maintenance, but she gives it all back when I need her the most.

I popped the hatchback open, and took out the empty bottle of Jager that we had the first night we spent together… a memory that I had hoped I would keep for a lifetime… then I started to see all the little things that must have fallen from her pockets in my car… mostly guys phone numbers written on Cigarette box tops and other scraps of paper… and a few business cards… from guys…

Something that made me smile, was the fact that I had parked in the “Yager” Section.

It was more my inside joke… but we both smiled at one another over it as I put the Yager parking area reminder slip in my pocket.

Perhaps my smile lasted a bit longer than hers…

After I put all these articles inside the notorious Jagermeister bottle… I took that gorgeous drive across the Howard Franklin. The Howard Franklin bridge. It has had many mementos from love lives past cast from the “Hump” that separates Hillsborough and Pinellas Counties… call me a weirdo… but I get a certain satisfaction in knowing that all the pain and heartbreak I go through will never be able to overcome the beauty of the sunlight glistening across the waters of Tampa Bay, Florida. You ain’t never gunna burn my heart out.

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