But lately… I’ve been drawn towards getting these feelings out, and sharing my current state with others… I wonder if it has anything to do with the amount of heartbreak and sorrows I have been hearing come out of others around me, and the concept of relationships in general lately…
It’s not that I haven’t been inspired… its that I haven’t been SOLID. I feel as though my convictions are shifting constantly… when all it really is, is me trying to use matches to light my way through the long dark caverns of being a single guy in a crazy world. I have enough light to see what’s in front of me for a short period of time… but not what’s around the corner, or what lies ahead in the future.
I took some of the recent emotions and experiences I’ve been having and made an honest assessment on where I am right now with the concept of LOVE. I realize that, like with many aspects of my life right now… I lack a true VISION of what I wish to become the reality in which I live. I NEED to really FOCUS on what it is that I am dreaming, wishing, and wanting to achieve.
Sure, I have fleeting, “match-lit moments” of clarity, only to have my world turned upside down by blindly walking into a dead end, with no choice but to turn around and try to find my way out by going through the same passages that I’ve already mapped…
After some real emotional gut-checks… this is where I am.
What I am looking for is that URGE to make EACH OTHERS dreams happen. Ideally, dreams that are conceived TOGETHER. This is the ideal situation, for me personally, with the vantage point of being “with” someone.
“Synergy” is what I am after… where one plus one equals more than two.
I realize that the fact I spend so much time by myself in my own prison like mind sometimes can be very damaging to me spiritually… because long ago I realized that life is not intended to be horded away by your lonesome, but shared and enjoyed by others.
This is quite a contradiction that I have struggled with over the past decade or two, yet it’s never been more simplified than it has been today in my own “mind” or present state of consciousness. I long to learn how to better myself in this regard, and while I know things will be difficult at times, I think the struggles of learning will pay off more than any other sacrifice to “comfort”.
This is where one could say that I disagree with one of the messages in the great film “The Secret”… The concept that “the grass doesn’t strain to grow” or that flowers don’t struggle to bloom… they just… DO IT.
While this may be true in OUR outside perspective, watching and waiting for these events to occur… could there not be an internal struggle within these organic life forms? Is it not possible that the reason all blades of grass are not standing straight up, or at the same angle is because each blade has endured much, in its own perception, that got it to the present state of growth that it is in? Is in not possible that the reason why some flowers never bloom at all is because of the failure to achieve its purpose? Is it not possible that the homeless man I saw in South Beach, Miami a few weeks ago, sleeping in the doorway overhang of a closed business tried to follow his purpose but ended up in the state in which I saw him in?
In more recent times, I’ve seen the movie “Waking Life”, and one of the MANY FABULOUS parts of that movie describe how “creation seems to come out of frustration” and desire. I’m more apt to subscribe to this theory, the reason being that every major goal that I’ve ever achieved in my personal life has been the results of dedication, perseverance, and a sustained effort to achieve it. Through those moments of struggle, strife, and setback, I can compare them to the way a flower tilts on its stem, or the way a tree limb flexes and bends, even dies off due to its environment.
The environment in which the seed is set to grow in often has EVERYTHING to do with the fulfillment of its purpose. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
There is no set standard which I “judge” a worthy companion… it’s more of a fundamentality, a foundation…. a premise of person which I seek.
I find it exhausted reminding a girl of how she “fits the bill”, or that she is worthy. It’s not that I tire of saying how much I like her; I don’t think that is possible for me to get that way in such a context. I ENJOY reminding and reinforcing the fact that I ADORE a mate in my life… what I get tired of is the STRUGGLE to CONVINCE that person.
I’m not a stranger to this sensation, women in my past that have acted similar… Something to the affect of asking such questions like, “Why don’t you like me?” In hopes that I argue the point, and reinforce such insecurities with a vehement response that opposes what you have stated to be your opinion on how I feel. This is far too complicated and tedious to be sustainable, in my most humble opinion. I am a very loving person, particularly in relationships, if a woman can’t get what she needs to feel “loved” or “special” from what I give WITHOUT having assumptions made, or even coerced (inadvertently or otherwise), then that woman is a full time job that I simply don’t have the resources to afford.
I know it may sound cold, but… I spent years of my life trying to FEEL like I was a good boyfriend or lover by chasing down and satisfying the needs of a woman. I deserve my own tastes and room in my life for my own passions, my capacity for such things is severely restricted when I pursue such a continuously tedious task as constantly meeting the minimum requirements of someone else. Most women that do such things are not self aware enough to realize they are acting in such a way, and honestly, 90% of the women I’ve met in my life (particularly, the hot ones) NEVER reach such a level of self awareness because there are so many other guys that will keep on trying until they themselves are used up, and either break down, give up, or get left behind.
These days, I do my very best to avoid impossibly sustainable scenarios. The reasons why I call a girl, or why I come to get her, or why I let her hang out at my house while I’m at work, etc, is because I like her! Those are FINE excuses that I’ve admittedly used MANY times in the past to get a girl the HELL out of my way without being mean or cruel. Sometimes, I actually like a girl, but I tell her I have to go anyway, just so that I don’t “burn out” what connection we have started. What I find that often happens, is that we (me and “her”) are not getting to the places we want to be, and we arrive in a constant state of LACK, without the right ACTIONS to make our dreams a reality.
I suffer from that disease… I often put my dreams and desires on a back burner when I date. This is something that I think is hard for a potential mate to understand.. I am in COMPLETELY uncharted waters with my own SELF here…. I don’t have a playbook to read from that tells me what play I should run when it’s 3rd and long, or whether I should use a designated hitter to bat against this particular pitcher… all that shit I used to do in the past DID NOT WORK.
Sure, maybe some of it did… for a while… but was ANY of it sustainable?
I’m still single. I’m still learning.
But HOW LUCKY AM I to be here, right here… right now?
For me, dating is something that I don’t want to be based on the same rules I’ve always used… I’ve used those guidelines before, and while it may be comfortable, it’s not what I have LEARNED to be REAL and true… to be… well…
I believe that some things DO last forever, not physical objects, but methods… techniques… processes. THESE things are what is real and true, and I will not settle for anything less than that.
It’s not that I don’t concern myself with how others feel, it’s that I don’t concern myself with another’s feelings when it means that I have to make a decision based on where I am, and how I feel. When a woman tells me she loves me… that doesn’t mean that suddenly everything I must do to sustain her emotion is contingent upon whether I factor in her feelings.
Consider this, someone said they love you… so… whatever you were doing up to that point in which that person made that statement… factors into the reason of WHY they love you. For better or worse… They may love you for the wrong reasons, but that’s a whole different subject matter… If LOVE is felt for you, and now… they expect you to suddenly make decisions differently, by factoring in their feelings?
That’s something I’ve done TIME and TIME and TIME again… I’ve stuck around in a relationship-like state in order to make a girl happy… to keep from feeling like I’m an asshole because a decision I made hurt someone else.
Man… I really couldn’t bear that pain and self-loathing EVER again.
What I had effectively done was given up what I wanted, to give someone else what they wanted. Because I loved them… and even though I didn’t want to be with them anymore, I still had love in my heart… I became a martyr for someone elses feelings…
and lost myself.
After a handful of heartbreaks, and over a decade of dating and being “in love”, I FINALLY realize this about myself… with unshakable confidence and solidity, I know now what I had done wrong, and learned what the difference was in doing the right thing.
The right thing
for the Universe…
How many times should I have walked away from a past lover? How many times did I try to, only to allow myself to buckle and continue to suffer in a doomed relationship? How often had I let things continue, even BEGGED for the “us” to continue… only to eventually lose respect for one another by the time things came to an end?
How many times….
I don’t think I could begin to even count that high.
I want to find someone special… and I want to bond with her in such a way that would make other, less affectionate people want to barf at the sight of us… I want a magical, hell raising, crazy, mad, passion-filled relationship full of excitement, conquests, and achievements. I welcome the CHALLENGES of love in these modern times of Social decay, I want to show the world that happiness is not something you can pre-order, buy off the shelf, or even lie your way to…
but Love is something you make for yourselves,
Something that two people can create with nothing more…
I still believe in love.