Circles of life… they exist all around us, be it in nature, in personal habits, in the universe itself, in the complete mysteries of to world, politics, family life… and yes… of course…
the topic I tend to BEAT to DEATH as well…
Circles of life exist in Love.
I can only speak of what I know love to be for ME.
Love, for me, is the ultimate state of mind… state of Being. I cherish Love and all its peaks and valleys, all its joy, all its wonder, all its mystery… its sacrifices;
I cherish ALL of its rewards.
Sometimes I wish I could see the world through the eyes of others… to take pieces of their perceptions on what they value, and what they are capable of accomplishing in the regard of love… Be it in being supportive of a family member, or raising a child of their own – perhaps taking on the responsibility of a parent, being connected on a greater plane, a higher state of consciousness… It would be simply Fabulous to see the world through the eyes of someone that is completely convinced that they have found their true soul mate.
that must be the greatest feeling… to have those eyes look back into yours… and to feel that force… that unique blend of complete submission AND domination…
To be God-Like to someone that you worship with every fiber of your being…
That my friends… is something to look forward to…
For those that have met me, they see this wild, crazy, insane guy that lives life by the seat of his pants… and takes risks that are both foolish and daring, they see a man that drinks too much sometimes, and does some really stupid shit… Like passing out on the sidewalk, pitching 2-Liters off the tops of building and watching them LAUNCH 40 feet into the air if they hit juuuuust right, busting handstands in the rain after FAR too many Long Islands, waking up in alleys having cops and paramedics calling me cabs, ending up slumpped over on the john in the bathroom of random clubs that I mixed the WRONG liquors in… 135 Miles an hour across the bridges of the BEST place in the world I’ve EVER lived… waking up in stairwells of parking garages without my car keys and not a CLUE what happened the night before, getting myself into all KINDS of trouble…
for those that have met me…
I’m REAL fucking crazy.
Then… there are those who KNOW me. They know of my passions, and my motivations. These people know what my actions and passions represent… they know that I will give you the shirt off my back if you need it more than I do, they know that I would come save the day if they needed a hero and I was in a position to help a homeboy/home girl out. They know that I have a rowdy streak in me, and that I tend to get myself into the most BIZARRE circumstances…
but I always make it through…
and be DAMN sure
I’ll still be smilin’.
For those that know me… past and present
they know I’m a LOT of fun.
I have NO doubt… that I’m the luckiest man in the world.
I have some awesome people in my life… and I’ve never been more social than I am today. I’ve never felt like I matter more in the lives of other people, than
In my earlier years, I was NOT the caliber of a person I am today. I was very shy, afraid, quite, fearful, paranoid, vindictive, angry, confused, and most of all… inadequate.
I NEVER felt like ANY thing I EVER did was worth praise or reward.
I never felt like people admired me like I did others…
I never felt like the effort I was giving was any kind of contribution.
Sure, I could blame my parents for always harping on the BAD shit that I did as a child.
But I won’t.
I could cry that I never got enough encouragement to stick with something that I liked to do… that I was GOOD at.
But… how much IS enough?
I could be bitter and angry that I never got the chances to do some things that I’ve always been curious about doing as a child… and as a young man.
But it’s not going to make it happen for me…
I am the ONLY one that can make it happen for ME.
And be DAMN sure…
That’s EXACTLY what I’m going to do.
These next months of my life are going to change EVERYTHING…
and I can’t fucking wait.
For better or worse, this whole financial mess with get settled once and for all. I may not have any credit, I may not have a job, I have not have an address, I may not ANY money.
But I’ll have something FAR more precious than that.
Piece of mind.
I’ll finally have my life back.
I’ll be in a position to help not ONLY myself… but others as well.
Just a few weeks ago, I actually got to help a friend move into a new apartment. Yea, I enjoyed it. I actually LIKED it. Someone who respects me and my person, that I share that same respect for, I helped moved. It takes a real friend to help you move… I admit to being a bad friend in the past, I haven’t helped someone moved… that I WASN’T romantically involved with, in a VERY VERY long time… yet I have had help moving my own shit many times…
Something that requires ME to take time out of MY life, and do work for nothing more than a THANK YOU and genuine appreciation…
Thanks for the opportunity.
For the past few weeks, a GREAT friend of mine has let me slide on owing him a little money, I told him that I hadn’t forgotten, that I’d be sure to get him back when I could.
“It’s all good bro, don’t sweat it, just buy me some drinks one night or something.”
I can do better than that…
My luck brought me 2 tickets in the Season Ticket holder CLUB section for a Professional Football game, 145 dollars EACH at face value. Guess who was the FIRST person that I thought to take?
He’s been an awesome friend to me, and too many others, I have the utmost respect for him, and he for me.
He’s been going through some shit with his personal life… and I have been someone that is trustworthy and able to offer a realistic and honest outside opinion of the situation… something that he has done for me in the past… only I was too “jaded” to realize it…
It’s about time I got with the program.
For someone that has never gotten to experience trust and friendship on that kind of level, you do NOT know what you are missing… It’s WAY overdue that I have friend in my life like THAT again. I can genuinely say that I appreciate that others will allow me to help them help themselves.
I got to help someone else that is very special to one of the BEST friends anyone could ask for. A few weeks ago, this poor cat was without a ride to work about 8 miles or so from his house. I caught wind of this, and since I was going in that same direction that day around the same time, I went and picked him up and took him to work.
Just because I COULD.
I didn’t get a medal for it, I didn’t even ask for gas money, I got what I needed out of it.
The personal satisfaction…
that I made a difference in someone’s life.
Even if it was only for moment, a single event in a single day.
That is all our lives are comprised of… moments… in a day…
This friend of mine never got a medal for helping my ex and I out when her car broke down and she came out and SAVED THE DAY for the BOTH of us. I had to be at work in a few hours and I still had to go and rent a car again because my Bug was still down from when she broke a timing belt… and my ex had to be over an hour away to the airport in less than 3 hours. Some people forget those that will land a hand and help out those they care about.
I don’t forget when I began to trust this girl and value our relationship as friends… haha a night that my long-haired white boy self ended up in the bathroom stall of an “All-Black Club” and had her come in and wipe the upchuck off me grumbling “Damn-it-myspaceFamous- You-Fucker-blah-blah” and standing me up after I regained consciousness, haha.
A true friend has your back when you need it the most.
I’m incredibly fortunate to be able to sit here and type out this very blog… the crazy shit that I’ve put myself through in the recent years… I am simply a MARVEL to society that I am not dead, in jail, or homeless and penniless at this point. I don’t HAVE the support system that many people do,
but I’m getting there.
I don’t HAVE the youth I once squandered on self-inflicted sorrows, pessimism and emotional traumas.
But I have all the time in the world to build something new.
I AM something new.
I’m not the guy that used to work until he would literally faint. There were many times in my life that I actually fell asleep standing up… I used to eat Pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I have no money for something else, or time to go grocery shopping or cook. I can’t say that I’ll never be wrapped up in working again… but it’ll never be like THAT. The rewards just aren’t there. It took away my sense of self, it made me selfish and possessive, insecure, guarded and paranoid. I would work my self to the point of an emotional breakdown… leaving me weak and vulnerable. There are not many people that would extend a hand to help you to your feet… but they DO exist.
Once again, another cliche has proven to be true
“You reap what you sow.”
Take a chance sometimes, maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t.
At least you won’t regret something that you NEVER did when you are old and grey.
I’m working on changing my ways… my old habits.
I got out of pizza delivery, and went on to try being a Cable TV Technician. Ironically, I don’t want TV… so… I think that is perhaps why I hated getting up at 6am every morning and working until 10pm or later sometimes 6+ days a week, paying for all my own tools, uniform, gas, truck repairs, etc. and all for maybe $200+ extra a week.
Hey… I tried. But…
“I don’t care too much for money…
Money can’t buy me Love.”
I’m proud of MYSELF for giving it a shot.
Just like I’m PROUD of myself for STILL standing all on my own down here in Tampa Bay, Florida for all these years. I could fold, pack it up, and head back to “Midwest” anytime I wanted to… If I wanted to give up my cats, and work in a papermill like the rest of my family…
To each his own…
but that’s not for me.
I’m sure to hit some rough patches in life, but I’ll be DAMN sure that I stay standing… all on my own.
Just me, my Trigger, my Slinky, my potential, my drive, my PHAT ass ride, my passion…
and if you are lucky enough to be one…
My True Friends.