Haunting Me

Haunting Me - Bigger Than You

It’s the little things…

They are what make up the whole of a person, and of a relationship.

Little things…

That get left behind by each party.

I’ve been going through a lot in the past 3 months.

The loss of a lover in my life, the inevitable court date looming in the near future at the beginning of the New Year, a change in jobs, a change in lifestyle… and most notable,

A shift in thinking.

I look at the adversity I face and am driven to overcome the negative and the inevitably morose outcomes… whether it be literal or mental… I need STRENGTH of CHARACTER to fend off my personal demons…

They just seem so much stronger than I.  So much greater a power…

I now know what David must have felt as he stood before Goliath and watched as many a brave men before him perish at the Giants’ ruthlessness. 

But he stood there anyway.

And fought his battle, being the underdog and before all those that were without faith in him.

And when the Giant fell at as result of his valiant efforts, it was a true and undisputable sign of the Power of Attraction,

Faith

Faith in yourself…

and something bigger than you.

Faith is something that I have had a lot of issues with lately… I feel as though there is no way to be positive about my current situation because of not only what lies ahead in “Midwest” on January 24th, but also where I’m coming from.

I was doing pizza delivery for years, and I admit that I enjoyed it a lot of the time… and loved to hate it but hated to love it.  The issue was… I never had the time I wanted to live my life because I kept driving the SHIT out of my MANY vehicles and particularly, my AWESOME VW Beetle.  I was MADLY in love… and I was looking ahead, perhaps much to far into the future.

I wanted to be a better man to my lover; I wanted to have the life that I was missing out on…  I wanted to go out on the weekends and spend the weekends with my friends, and take month long vacations and come back to “Midwest” to visit my family… to travel and see the wonders of the world, The Grand Canyon, California, Arizona, hell I’d even like to go to Alaska someday… and those are only the places I’d like to see on the North American Continent.  We had dreams of playing chess together atop the Eiffel Tower… making love in a Foreign County… being able to be that happy, wonderful couple I always felt that we were when we were at our best… and I looked forward to being with her forever…

As I fell deeper in love with her, I felt my white knuckle grip on being a slave to the dollar loosening…  I quit paying the mortgage on the House in “Midwest” that mom left me in her will, and decided to hire an attorney with the funds instead so that I could at least have a fighting chance in my court battle coming up in just 3 short months.  I don’t know if she ever realized the amount of stress I was under… with all the emotions of being a failure in my dead mothers eyes…  to feel like I let her down because she was SO proud of her own accomplishment of owning a home and leaving it to me as her only legacy to me.

How could she know?…

There were promises made, and things said to each other…

Things that are now just forgotten lies of a wishy-washy past idea of what our love was to be.

I moved towards doing Cable Installation with no pay for 3 or 4 weeks while I trained 40 hours a week, while still keeping my 40-50 hours a week at Papa John’s Pizza.

I was a fucking mess.  The amount of torture I went through in those 2 months was too much for me to bear without showing every weakness in my person…  I’m convinced this was the beginning of the end… we had always bounced back even stronger after our other problems in our relationship, but this time I felt like something was missing after all this.

I continued to work 80-100 hours a week between my 2 jobs for the better part of 3 months, meanwhile all my other side jobs fell to the wayside and eventually, I had every source of income pissed off at me, along with my friends losing faith in me, and a girl that was making strides to move on…

Talk about rock bottom.

Perhaps she was only staying near me long enough to see that I was going to be ok… because it wasn’t until I was jobless and getting back to being me again did she walk away… leaving me with a fistful of desire, eyes full of pain and a heart full of abandonment.

These feelings…

Haunting me.

I wanted to build a better life for myself, and in turn, for US.  Yet every time I would strive to enjoy the fruits of my labors, it seemed that she was ungrateful for the rare moments I was able to afford her, me working so much, we rarely got to spend “quality time” together.  She would pick fights and want to argue with me, and arguing was something we got REAL good at.  Even though I hated every moment of it, but I had a lot of self-respect and she had a lot of pride…

There were many things littered about my room, my car, my house… hell, scattered about my LIFE that she had left behind.

Funny thing, I found, yet again, another picture of us, stashed away in some random folder some place on my hard drive just a moment ago…

Fuck man…

This has been going on for so long now, I know that when she moved into her new place, she had tossed most of my shit, and she probably has tossed all my pictures… anything to remind her of me and the love we once shared.  I hope not though.  I really think she was a good person despite all the bad shit she has done to me and those around me.  She was vindictive, but she was not evil.  She just doesn’t understand me.  I don’t understand her way of thinking either.  It’s so bizarre how we are so much alike in our REACTIONS but our motives for the similar feelings are SO foreign to one another.

She intrigued me like no one ever has…

She gave up on us, something I never though she would do… I thought we were better than that… and for that reason, I’m left feeling foolish and empty.

Heartbroken.

I know that we both deserve to be happy, but its hard to listen to her tell me about how happy she is without me in her life.  She moved on REAL fast, and she has a rock and roll lifestyle of a college kid that I admit to envying sometimes…  but I’m glad that she is able to do the things I’ve been longing to since I’ve realized my adult life and what I’m missing from my life experiences.

Go get it Kid.

Yet, I need to distance myself from her, it hurts me still.  I gave so much of myself to someone that I thought was the real deal.  I’m not bitter, or angry, not until I get a patronizing email about how happy she is for me at the first sign of some good things swinging my way and how happy I seem to be.

 All I could think was,

“You don’t know anything about me, or what I’ve been going through, not in your presences and in your absence.”

It was upsetting to be contacted like that, and when I was in love with her, I would have reacted in anger because I would feel pain resulting from someone I love not taking the time to think her actions through and the effect her words could have upon me.  Particularly after I have given nothing but respect to her wishes ever since we last spoke… and the only thing I asked of her…

was to leave me alone…

for this very reason.

I’m not mad about it though, I am aware that I’m just going through the phase that I am in.

This too shall pass.

I can feel the fields of my Being grow stronger from my new found enlightenment… but it is a journey, not a destination.

I’d be a fool to expect others to understand what the true meaning of Namaste really is.

When you get it…

You just get it.

One day I will have the capacity to have a conversation with her again, and smile at the past we once shared, in ways I am already there.  It’s just the sorting out of emotions that I haven’t completed… I still have all this confusion about what it is that I really want in a lover, and I can’t justify giving my heart away so quickly and easily.

We are different people, with different values.

She is still connected to a lot of the emotions that I want to free my heart to experience again…  I guess you could call it post traumatic relationship syndrome…

We started out HOT and WILD and it was nothing short of spectacular…

But now… even if I saw her in some new pictures on her MySpace with shots like we had when we first started dating, I’d be numb to it.

It because her affection…

It’s just not special to me anymore.

She is not who I thought she was.

So… for her sake… I hope its special to someone else.

That’s just the way I am after a breakup, I can’t bring myself to feel the same way over someone that has tainted that sanctity of our love.

It leaves me with a feeling of betrayal, like my trust in someone has been violated.

I’ve never trusted another person more…

As I continue to clean my life up and cleanse my personal space of any insignificant reminders she has left behind, only to slip behind some heavy piece of furniture, or at the bottom of a drawer, or inside some kind of container…

I see that the “SunScreen” song by Baz Luhrmann is truer that I ever thought it would be when I listened to it for the first time at my High School Graduation Ceremony.

Keep your old Love Letters,

Throw away your old Bank Statements.

I’ll look back and smile at our pictures some day and smile at the happiness on both our faces and the joy of having one another shining in both our eyes.

I have the heaviest of regrets for aiding in the destruction of the sweetest thing I’ve ever gotten from a lover of mine… full of our hopes and dreams…that was a very dark day.

Yet, thankfully, its one that I’ll never have to live again.

Maybe she will appreciate the fact that I didn’t erase something special I gave and did for her some day too.

For me, regret is personal accountability of my own actions.

It doesn’t damage my soul,

It only enlightens it.

Accountability of ones own person is underrated and practically non-existent in the mainstream of society today.  I’m sure we could all think of someone who trespassed against us and denied any and all blame and perhaps showed any little or no remorse.

Look a little harder,

and you may find that you are one of them.

What I want… is to feel the same way about the remnants of my latest love as I do about the bullshit that lies ahead of me in “Midwest”.  I’ve made it a personal decision to not get into a relationship until I have put all the mess behind me.

I need a clear head.

This is my future

This is my life as I know it on the line.

I’m striving to harness the ability to control my thoughts and emotions… to better control my moods… to shift my thinking further and expand my scope of reasoning to an extent that I am satisfied with who I am, and what I am becoming.

I’m striving to be positive.

After all,

“The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to morn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”

Buddha

I am a work in progress.

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