When I first signed up for this whole MySpace Deal, I was just starting to date again… I actually found out about this site through someone I met from HotOrNot.com… good ole hotornot… anyway… I slowly got into this site over the past 8 months and am still finding out all the cool stuff its got to offer and all the ways to give and receive attention to/from a lot of cool people…
But before there was MySpace…
I have somewhat of a dark past… I was in a relationship for over 3 years and never really socialized much. It’s funny how I wasn’t working but maybe 10-20 hours a week and I still never found time to do anything. Something about being in a high stress relationship sucked the ambition from me, lowered my own self esteem by being around someone with the same issue all the time… Some say: “You are what you hang with” – I don’t agree whole-heartedly with that statement for obvious reasons, but… I was indeed a self-loathing bitch.
I recall breaking it off (finally for REAL) with the ex at 12:03am Valentines Day morning of 2004 like it was yesterday. She would do the same fuckin thing she always did. I’d come over to her house or she would come to mine, and instead of a smile, kiss and a hug and pleasant conversation… maybe a little intimacy… she would just sit there… and stare… in silence… at nothing… I had enough of this… I’d been sick of it for a long long time… so, after I got off work from Hungry Howie’s, I came over to her house, and thought to myself, “I’m so tired of having to force this to work… If she’s being a cold hard bitch AGAIN… on Valen-fucking-tines Day… then it’s a fitting end to this romantic tragedy.” I was single when I left her house at 12:15am.
After some time passed, and some events occurred… (about a month) I was really missing her. I loved this girl with everything I had… that’s why it killed me to have to break it off with her. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to be miserable just to not be alone. Fuck that, I’d rather be alone with the hope of happiness than to continue to torture myself by trying to make something work all by myself. She wasn’t always like that… but somewhere, somehow, she started acting out to her fucked up mental issues and lying to me left and right, little white lies to great big bullshit. I tried being the comforting and supportive boyfriend for 3 years and it just got worse. I turned into this short tempered asshole by the time it was done. I used to be a lot more patient… but now… fuck a bitch, your drama ain’t worth my time. I’m thinking this experience is why I am the way I am today.
As it turns out… the love of my life was fucking a guy that I worked with at hungry howies at the time during my absence as a boyfriend… this guy would pump me for info and try to be my friend during this whole thing… without me knowing about it… yet. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be the last one to find out that someone is fucking the love of your life? and at work no less… I didn’t work a 40 hour work week for over 50% of our relationship, and now that I was single… with 1 friend to my name at the time, work was all I had. I was truly making it all on my own for the first time, without any help from anyone. It felt pretty fucking good.
I was still in the dark, until a week or so after my 24th birthday… she called me on my birthday. I didn’t think she would… I was a fucking mess. I had been writing letters to her, and to myself. It was the first time I had really written anything since I had lost someone very very close to me… I ended up with about 28 typed pages worth of ranting and self pity. Sad… but true. We actually had a decent conversation. I was really surprised how well it went, she was “big girl” all the sudden. I tried my best not to lose it on the phone with her. Sometimes even your best efforts are just not enough… a few days passed and she started calling me again… said she wanted to “talk”. I told her that so did I… but I wasn’t ready just yet. Here is where the irony comes… I was under the impression that the guy she was fucking was only her “friend” and not her fuck buddy too. Working with someone that has that status with someone you love… proved to be too much temptation for my lovesick heart. He said some really dumb ass bullshit, but what stuck in my mind was “If anyone has a chance at getting with her it’s you.” and then the most powerful… “Give it a month…” Wow… I thought about that. Give it a Month. It’s simplicity was dumbfounding. But I adopted it as my new mentality on how to handle my nightly breakdowns. Most of the time, a pizza man’s eyes are red for a different reason… Stabbing Westward in the CD player may have had something to do with it too… but now that I had a new outlook on how to handle my own emotions, life started to get easier for me. Then the calls began… she called wanting to talk as I said before, about a week into personal month away had officially began. hence… me not being ready. Well… she and her “friend” were “hanging out” one night at the movies… (ha) and she called me while he was in the car with her. Asking me if I was ready to talk yet… again… it was only like a week or 2 later. I told her I was giving myself a month. Once again, She didn’t listen. She called me telling me about how funny EuroTrip was and how I would have really liked it. She then said something I realize to be a dead give away but only in hindsight. She said “It’s not like that” in reference to her and her “friend” being more than just friends. The funny thing was… I never said anything about it… she just jumped in and defended the situation. They were fucking 6 days after we broke up after going to the Gasperilla Party in Tampa. In fact, I WORKED FOR THE GUY WHILE HE FUCKED HER. Yet… “it’s not like that”. -sigh- I think I’m starting to see why I like being single so much…
About 3 or 4 days after she called me from her car with dude in the car… I was coming home from work. I was looking forward to getting shitty drunk while watching a movie and passing out with my 2 lil girls, Tigger and Stinky, with a song in my head still from the car ride on the way home… when all the sudden… I about shit myself when I see a crumpled up body sitting outside on my front door in a little ball off in the shadows. Guess who? -sigh-
I stopped… I looked at the ground for a moment… and realized that I don’t have it in my to just turn her away. Damn it all. after much deliberation… I offered my hand to her and helped her to her feet and took her inside… She says “I think I found that fire I’ve been missing…” amongst some other things that I have been wanting to hear from her for years… Man…. she said all the right things… and I still loved her so fucking much… I kept coaching her to keep talking, keep telling me what it was she had to talk about. But all she wanted to do was tell me how she is all better now, and wants to try to have some kind of a relationship again. but after all 3 paragraphs she had rehearsed in her head were exasperated… once again… that old.. old… cold silence fell between the two of us. I wasn’t about to start talking… she came over with some shit to say, now she wasn’t saying it… but I still had this fucked up reasoning to justify her silences… man… I so tried… and I’m not exactly sure what it was that made it happen… but I grabbed that little girl and I planted some of the hottest make-out skills I’ve ever displayed on her… she dropped to her knees… (something a little different) started talking all dirty (-rawr-) but… even though she lacked the skill… it was just so sexy to have her even give the effort… something I’d been longing for from her for so fucking long… I was so easy… I took her in my room and rocked her world from just about every position I’ve ever found to feel good. That… was probably the best sex I’ve ever had at that point in my life…
Immediately following… I got this cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach… kind of like that feeling you get after you realize you’ve just done something horrible… and I just knew…
Me: “So am I the only one to experience this new and improved You?”
Her: “Yes… stuff happened between me and Steven (Hungry Howies “friend”) but nothing serious…”
Me: “What, you two made out or something?”
Her: “We had sex”
It felt like a sword just sliced my heart into 47 pieces with one pass…
I tried to remain calm… I did… lying there… naked and sexed… after all the things I said to that girl in the middle of fucking her brains out… but it allllllll came together…. all at the same time…. I think about the reaction from “The Butterfly Effect” after changing the past when I think about that feeling of having everything all the sudden come into perspective…
Right away… I knew…
I knew she was a lying ass hoe, talking about “I’m not at all attracted to him” while we were together… what else has she been lying about all this time?
I knew that I was the only one that didn’t know about them fucking at work… everyone knew I didn’t know… I felt like such a fool… she made a fucking fool out of me… She went and got some new dick, then realized what she was getting and what she was giving up. I’m not superman, and I really don’t think I’m the shit when it comes to what women want… but I sure as hell got this little two faced punk bitch whipped in every category, it just took her a quick fuck to realize it I guess.
I literally snapped like a twig… I jumped out of bed… and paced the floor butt ass naked clutching my stomach… in complete shock. She just kept chanting… “no..no..no…”
I stopped my pacing and my chanting of “oh my god… oh my GOD, you fucked him?!” and I had one of the most erie feelings pass over me. It was the voice of reason. It said, “Shes got to go.” I’ll never forget that sensation. I planted a stone cold glare at her and said, “You have to leave, NOW.” she literally refused to leave. She continued to resist… and I continued to lose it. “Everything I just said… I take it all back.” I started raging on and on about all the misery I went through in the month we were apart and I even went as far to show her the letters I had written but debated on giving her… namely the one dated on the same night as Gasperilla… the night she fucked the guy… it wasn’t even a week after we had been apart… I hadn’t even been kissed since then… I waited for her… “I waited for you.”
Both of us still naked… she jumps on my back screaming “No! Justin, stop! listen! please don’t do this!” I don’t know if anyone else has ever had a domestic violence charge put on them because someone else was attacking them but… I have. I’ve learned to just take a black eye or two if it means staying away from the police, pain is temporary, criminal records are forever. I fell to the bed and she jumped up on top of me and (haha) pinned my arms down and said “you love me!” and from my back, I replied “no… I don’t”.
I in fact did not love her… because I had never seen this girl before in my life. she was NOT the girl I spent her prom night on the beach with, she was not the girl I used to talk to for hours at night about nothing at all, she was not the girl that I walked through the streams of Tennessee nude with… she was someone else… someone I was never able or perhaps never allowed to see.
Finally after threatening to call the cops to get her to leave… she got dressed, and I had to walk (shove) her out the door… on her way to her car she says to me. “This isn’t over.”
What kind of psycho bullshit is THAT?
unfortunately it was indeed… not over…
After much drama at work, and a near uncharacteristic fist fight, I decided that I need to find a new job, As soon as fucking possible. I did begin to put some pieces of this mystery puzzle together. Who the hell is this girl I thought so much of? Truth: she no longer existed
After I had somewhat of a family emergency and has promised to make it to Ohio in 18 hours driving a 2003 Convertible Corvette (-grin-) I had to make arrangements to get my shifts covered… I tried everyone else first… but yes… I actually called fuck head and asked him to cover the only shift I couldn’t get covered… he started talking some bullshit about his blood sugar being low (??? he’s not diabetic) and then brought up “As for the (ex-girlfriend) thing, it was something we had talked about doing for a long time. But I never meant for anybody to get hurt.” Funny… she told me she wasn’t attracted to him at all… “I’m not attracted to him at all” ver-fucking-batum… while hanging out… at his house… to help him through his coke habit… sitting in his room… watching him play video games… Yep. I am a dumbass. Well… with some luck I managed to actually get my old boss to cover my shift (cool guy) but on the way to my house I had to make a quick stop.
I called the ex. I wanted to clear my head before I hit the road. I blew up her phone. She answered. I told her to take a break. I’d be there. soon. REAL soon.
I pulled up to the front door just as she was getting on her break. I took her to the side of the building and I told her all about what I found out about her. She attempted to throw some shit back at me, but man… she was jsut grabbing at straws. It was kind of sad how she just couldn’t justify it. not even to herself. Even though she was convinced that I was the asshole. I guess… I mean I wasn’t the best of boyfriends towards to end. Hell, I was sick of her bullshit. Why should I keep being good to her if she is just going to treat me like shit for it? That was my old mentality anyway… but I certainly deserved better than that. I deserved more respect, and more honesty. And I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not insecure enough to doubt it. Bitch.
I looked her in the eye and said “Somebody’s lying, whether it’s you or him, I don’t know, I don’t care. You two deserve each other.” and I ended it with “Stay out of my life. I mean it. Stay away from me. Throw all my shit away, that’s what I did with yours.” And I stormed off.
As I was leaving…I heard “I wish you the best” followed by yet another tearful breakdown on her part. She’s famous for that.
Well… i ended up looking like an asshole. My fucking uncle caved in on me and refused to leave for ohio. Man… that muthafucker. I had my bags packed I was even there a half an hour earlier than I said I’d be. i live for that shit man. Road Trip muffucker! but all the convincing wasn’t getting him to go to Ohio for his best friend of 40 years’ funeral… It was a favor to him after calling me in the middle of the night crying his eyes out about how he can’t afford the $1000 to take a flight and how much he wishes he could be there. fucker.
I ended up coming in to work my shift a half an hour late. actually… 15 minutes… the other 15 minutes I spent with the Ex’s mom in the parking lot of hungry howies. yes. she was waiting on me apparently. Basically I talked her down. I really did appreciate everything she had done for me, she helped me out in times where didn’t get much help… and her husband too. I really did like them. It hurt even more to see all that washed away… 3+ years is a long long time… she saw me graduate college twice, and I saw her daughter graduate from high school while I sat next to her. We had a lot of history, and now she fuckin hates me. “I just want you to know I really appreciate everything you have done for me. I hate that it has to be this way.” I think that caught her off guard. “Stay away” with her finger pointed at me, was the last thing she ever said to me.
I did… but… heh…
Papa John’s… “Now Hiring Drivers”
I put in my 2 weeks notice at Hungry Howie’s and was set to start working at Papa Johns April 1st… on March 31st however… I come home to a big sign on my door. haha.
It read: “Grow Up!”
and there was a pile of my shit. Yep. The same shit I told her to throw away. Once again… she never listens.
I assume she was referring to the way I handled her Dad calling me and threatening my life over my voicemail. I put it on speakerphone cell phone (it was my new toy at the time) so the whole staff of Hungry Howies could hear it. Including fuckhead. I ended up calling ole Morton back and having a man to man chat. I wasn’t about to call his daughter names, but I did let him know that she fucked the guy I worked with, and I just can’t deal. “I told her that if she starts sleeping with someone else that I wouldn’t feel the same way about her.” Now I don’t. Realistically, this girl was probably doing all kinds of shit behind my back that I didn’t know about. She just finally decided to give me a sample of the truth. Perhaps that’s not how it really goes… but then again, who fucking cares?
I would rage about how I’m itching to beat that little punks ass to my friends in Ohio when they would ask about the ex. I did it over my speakerphone. no more than 10 feet away from the same guy I was talking about. Maybe I didn’t handle it as well as I could have. But then again, maybe I should drive to his house and go clean out my car in his front yard. He got off easy, hell, he was STILL FUCKING HER when she put the note on my door. So what the fuck?? I got to hear all about how they were fucking again because my female co-boss liked to offer selective info as long as it was entertaining to her… apparently fuckboy told her everything that happened between the two of them and at the slightest mention of the topic she would unload her bazooka of truth of me. KaPow. I wasn’t going back to her… but I don’t need to be in a situation where a fresh wound is being aggravated. So I counted down the days till I was gone from there…
After finding the pile of my shit and ripping off the note, I called her ass up in yet another emotionally packed frenzy. If this phone call had a name, it would be “What the fuck?!” Interrobang and all. I immediately dumped everything sitting at my door into the same dumpster that I tossed all her shit in. I lost out on a one or two disc golf shirts from tournaments I played in years ago, 3 or 4 pairs of socks, a pair of boxers, and some pictures and papers. Quite the petty pile of shit, and frankly, hardly worth the effort to return. She did it just to spite me, that I’m convinced of. Her fuck buddy went and started talking shit about me and it prompted her to put that shit on my door so my whole neighborhood could see. She knew when I wouldn’t be home, BECAUSE HER FUCK BUDDY TOLD HER MY SCHEDULE.
I ended up wavering in my endless rage towards her and all women who break my heart in such a way… and practically begged her to just leave me the fuck alone. What I realized from the conversation was that she wasn’t going to leave me alone unless she felt some kind of satisfaction that she got the last word in. So, I told her any and everything that I hadn’t said before, which wasn’t much at all. Just a few gory details that didn’t really matter anyway. She basically told me nothing. There was obviously a lot of shit she was hiding, but she would never fess up to it. even today… nearly a whole year later… but… I finally realized that… I’ll never know.
And that’s ok.
I’ve lived more in the last year than I have in the previous 5 years. I’ve been to places and had experiences that I would have never dreamed of having. Life is Good. But man… I don’t miss her. Maybe I think about her… a lot more than I’d like to admit… but do I miss being her boyfriend?
Not in the least.
I was satisfied with the conversation… and I said, “this is the last time I want to talk to you. I’ve got no reason to lie and nothing to hide.”
she ran out of shit to say, and I said: “Ok, this is it.”
“Good Bye _____.”
“Good Bye Justin.”
I let her get the last word.
She left me alone…
It had been since my first day at Papa John’s that I had talked to her. I was up until 5am talking to her on the phone when I had to be at Papa John’s at 10am and then close Hungry Howies until 1a.m.
The trials and tribulations of the pizza man…
now… at work I am the shit. I don’t really have that big of an ego, but I OWN it when it comes to doing my job. Nobody does it like me. Last night I ripped the ass out of yet another pair of short while jumping a fence. Fitting memory to the day that I hear from the ex again…
I’m just about the only driver that answers the phone. I like to answer the phone because that way I KNOW I got the right address, and I can work the customer into giving the driver a bigger tip. Well… Guess who pops up on caller ID?
The Ex’s cell phone number.
“Thanks for calling Papa John’s downtown 4th Street, this is Justin speaking, is going to be for delivery?”
I looked at the Caller ID and sure enough… it was a VERY familiar number…
whats funny is that I’ve tried to forget her phone numbers, I really really have. I’ve even had some extremely weak moments where I want to pick up my cell phone and dial her number. I’m not really sure why that is, because I have no desire to be with her again. Hell… I don’t even know who she is anymore… so why is it that there are these moments that her number will suddenly appear in my head and I just can’t forget…
I try to reason my way through such emotional hick-ups with the principle that when someone is in your life for that long… through that kind of stuff they were there for… well… It’s only natural…
I acted on an impulse once I had realized who it was that hung up on me. I called her back. I wasn’t exactly friendly, but I did somewhat initiate a conversation betwixt us…
“I thought that was you…”
“you got caller ID?”
“Yep… you gunna order some pizza or what?”
“I guess so.”
“What, you don’t like Hungry Howies?”
I took her order, even up sold her on the anniversary special. She put it on her card and gave a $4 tip.
I hung up the phone as I would any other customer.
After I got off the phone I grabbed two deliveries that were ready to go, and when I came back…
Guess who’s pizza was sitting there ready to go for the next guy, namely me, to clock in from a run….
There was a 1 in 3 or 4 chance that I would have answered her phone call… since I’m one of the few people that knows how to answer the phones correctly and quickly…
There was a 1 in 6 chance that I would be the driver to take her delivery since there were 5 other drivers on the clock…
of all the odds…
that’s the way it shook out.
Life is funny like that.
Sure… I could have switched with any other driver there. But $4 is still $4.
I drove up to her house with good ole AudioSlave blaring “Getaway Car” in the new black VW Turbo S 6-speed -grin-
She dropped the pen I handed her to sign the credit card slip.
I stood there to see if she would just disappear back into her house without a word. She stood there and spoke with the pizza boxes in hand.
Her: “So how have you been?”
Me: “Life has it’s ups and downs.” I replied
Her: “New Car?”
Me: “Yep.” -grin-
Her: “Like it?”
Me: “Love it.” -grin-
Her: “What happened to the Focus?”
Me: -sigh- “Life has its ups and downs…”
Her: “I’m doing really good actually…”
Me: “Why did you call us?”
Her: “Because I wanted pizza.”
Me: “You never called before…”
Her: “If you remember, we used to order Papa Johns all the time.”
Note: The old computer systems database carried over to the new system. I’ve been working an average of 30-40 hours a week there since I started in Early April. Before I left the store, I checked to see if her house phone number was in our system. It’s not. Nor is her Cell number. Only other possibility is that her mom or step dad used their phone numbers. In which case, they call in the pizza. Basically the point to this whole note is… shes still full of shit. And as I’m standing there talking to her… I know it. -grin-
Me: “Why did you hang up on me when you called?”
Her: “I got spooked, I didn’t expect you to answer.”
She then did her old trick… diverting the attention to her animals. Her cat “Bob” meow from behind me. Cool cat, but I wasn’t about to start getting chummy with her animals again… I looked at her… and said..
turned, and walked away.
Got in my Pimp Ride, go to the end of the street, and cranked my song up.
I went on to be king dingaling amongst the drivers once again that day with 37 deliveries… on a 13 hour shift…
I have this gut feeling that I’ll be hearing from her by the end of next month again…. which would mark a year that we were broken up on Valentines Day.
I gotta admit… shes in my head again.
This is why I wanted to stay away. I know myself well enough to know that if I let her stay in my life, shes going to fuck with my head. Bad.
Unfortunately for me… I’m actually curious as to how and when she will do this… or if she will at all.
I’ve never felt more like a man than I have in the time I’ve not had her in my life. My self confidence may still need some help, but I’ve made leaps and bounds since I’ve severed that anchor. But… I can’t help but to think…
I wonder if she didn’t call me to rub my nose in her new success, or maybe just to see what would come of it all… Perhaps she just wanted pizza.
My Older blogs tell the tale of my journey through 2004 best… its good to be able to look back and see where I’m coming from.