July 3, 2002

circle-be-unbroken

Since I can remember, I’ve always tried just a little harder…  Pushed for that extra step, striving for that higher goal…  I desire to improve myself.. to understand the world I live in, and be my best..

Yet on the flip side, I digress.

I allow my focus to expire and constantly exceed my capacity for life.. causing me to shut down mentally and emotionally to important components of my imperfect tense.

All the angst..  has slowly burned away…

All my pain..  has left me with wounds that are sure to scar..

All this chaos that plagues me from the past.. It has GOT to stop ruling my life.

I’ve fought the good fight..
my cause has been just
yet my future is still no brighter than before.
I’ve carried this torch for far too long.

I want to be free from this life of pain..

I used to be happy, I used to be Alive…
Now…
I’m Broken…

2002…  I had found a nice little part time side gig to compliment the “computer business” I wanted to start up, working for a commercial leasing office that my uncle Jim helped me get into.  Things were going good..  I had my old Honda CRX, A girlfriend that I truly loved, An Associate Degree that I was going upgrade to a Bachelor of Science by mid September via my 3.85 G.P.A…  sure, life had its problems, but they didn’t weigh on my soul as do the modern issues I’m having today.  I was living off whatever I could hustle up working for who ever had a job they were willing to pay me to do while Mom kicked me some credits to my bank account for rent money until I was done with my Degree she wanted me to have so badly.  I was living the ghetto College Kid life, and it was good..  It wasn’t perfect..  but I was happy.

One late night working on completing the leasing office’s complete computer upgrade and networking, I accidentally locked myself out of the building when I went out to the car for something and to have Winston.

“Fuck.”

I had the hard drive dangling out of the “trouble machine” of the office still with no way to finish the Data Transfer I was in the middle of without a key to get back in..

“I’ll just go back to the warehouse for a little while and call someone to let me back in.” I thought, “The sun is already coming up and it’s a holiday today anyway.”

I had been at the warehouse for about 20 minutes when the phone rang and I heard Uncle Jim talking on the answering machine software I had setup for the phone line…

I picked up, and he told me to come over to his house… Right Now.

I didn’t argue, but I was most curious…  what was the urgency about?

I got to his house..  he told me he had something to tell me..
I quickly gathered that this was not going to be good news..

“I think you might know what I’m going to tell you… this is real hard for me…”

I had no idea what he was about to tell me..  but I sat in silence and listened as we all do when Jim is talking…

“Jack called me just a little while ago…”
(Jack is my uncle and Jim’s Brother)
“They got a call late last night that they found your mom in the basement last night…”

“Your Mom is dead.”

If I’ve ever been more surprised to hear anything in my life..  I don’t recall what it would have been.

I lost it…  immediately I began bawling into my floppy hat.

My life changed that day forever, and it was most definitely not for the better..  I found myself on an plane to the Midwest later that day where I lost my entire Disc Golf Bag full of discs.. and possibly any innocence that I had left..

So now… the fireworks remind me of a time that I was forever changed…

Mom meant well with all the comments and ideas that she had set in place for such an event..  but she was not known for being logical or rational..  in fact, she was known for being stubborn and hard-headed as well as rigid and overbearing.  Yet, despite our problems with one another..  all those years of “roughing it” together made us closer than any other mother and son I’ve ever known.. she loved me more than anything… more than life itself it would seem.  She may have been difficult, but she truly had a heart of gold and would do just about anything to help someone through a difficult time.  In many ways, she was an Angel of Mercy.

I loved my mother… and I still do…  but the weight of her world that she left behind to me..

as much as I hate to admit it…

It’s just too much.

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