A Boy Named Sue

a-boy-named-sue-new-perspective
I’ve been somewhat reflective lately…  I’ve been “under construction” of sorts, but mainly focusing on improving my surrounding and self awareness…  I’ve been craving interactions on all levels and have been having as much fun as I’m able to allow myself to have…

But I’m starting to finish up “Enlightenment 101” and I’m looking forward, into deeper levels.  That initial shock and excitement that something IS better than where I am, well… where I “was”.

I’m in a totally different place now that I’ve learned a better way to live…  but it has changed me in many ways.  

I find myself less “intense” at times, I’m far more laid back about talking to someone I’m attracted to, and WAY less sex-driven… while I never really felt that I WAS a sex-fiend, I’m finding that I appreciate it on a whole new level that I never knew existed.  In being more wise, I’ve found I’m also far more picky, and sometimes I may have lapses of judgment, I’m learning from the feelings I’m experiencing, and taking note on the swaying of my emotions and desires.

I no longer hold things in that I obsess and destroy myself with internally, yet now that those things are gone, I have nothing to prove, no one “to show up” that told me “you can’t!”…, no forces of opposition to compete against, and in essence, no catalyst to drive me like I once did…

First it was life itself being such a burden, that I chose to be stronger than the pain, and bear it.  In moments that I needed to “step up”, I would focus on the pain, and power my will through the difficultly with a sick mix of determination and pride.  I always wanted to do what could not or would not be done.  I wanted to be the exception to every rule, every stereotype, every judgment, every assumption…

Nowadays…

Not So Much.

 

Instead of feeling the need to explore every inch of every thing, I have found that there are certain experiences that I don’t care to have, certain things that I really don’t care to know, or to learn about…  you would be amazed at how much better I sleep now.

While I still hold my opinions and my unique identity very dear to my being, I don’t necessarily need to wage wars within myself to feel as though I’m of value to humanity or otherwise.  I guess you could say… I’ve laid down my arms.  Doing battle wasn’t doing it for me, so now that I know what DOESN’T work…

What DOES work?

While I had always felt that my previous methods and general outlook was akin to the “live fast, die pretty” philosophy, I now see, there is much more to be absorbed and discovered… and I’ve satisfied that which I’ve felt has been lacking in my life.

Can you believe there was once a time where I didn’t feel as though I’d had enough life experience?  Perhaps not experiences themselves, but POSITIVE experiences that I was able to grow from, lessons that I actually LEARNED and not mistakes that I repeated, traveling to new places, experiencing life from different perspectives, and evolving as a person, as a conversationalist, as a co-worker, as a leader, as a roommate, as a follower, as a lover, as a brother, as a son, as a friend…

I was always the kind of guy that would think to myself, “I’ll come back this way later and take these other paths someday.  They will be here when I get done with this one I’ve chosen today.”  I used to explore EVERY SCREEN of a role playing games world map and the dungeons so that I felt like I was getting the most from the game.  I would try to win without continuing AT ALL with EVERY CHARACTER in the fighting games I used to play, I use to want to hear every note of a song that I really liked in it’s entirety or I would start it over from the beginning… even in the cassette tape days.

My how I’ve changed…

I was stumbling across the internet late one night and I came across the MySpace Profile of Johnny Cash.

I admit I’m not a very big fan of country music, but Johnny Cash… well…  he’s different.  He writes from a place that is REAL, and perhaps deeper than even he himself can appreciate.  I couldn’t resist hitting “Play” to one of my favorite Johnny Cash tunes called “A Boy Named Sue“.

The song is a story told in a first person perspective about a man who was named “Sue” by his absent father.  Sue spends his whole life, angry and full of hatred towards the man that gave him that “awful name”.  Eventually, Sue was able to track down this focal point of his anger that he had vowed to find for the better part of Sues’ life…

His own Father.

Once the day came when he found his man, there was quick a brawl…  There were chairs busted, knives drawn, pieces of ears cut off, and finally… guns drawn.

It was in this moment, that Sues Father spoke to him for the first time as a man, and after excepting that his life would be rightfully ended by his son, Sue, he began to explain what the intentions were behind giving Sue the name he did.

Strength of character and passion for self-respect and accomplishment came along with all the feelings of hatred and spite.  His father began to tell Sue, that had he not given him that name, he wouldn’t have become the man before him who had bested him in the bar fight.

Sue then realized at that moment that his fathers intentions were not to make his life miserable, but to help him make it in life by giving him the catalyst he was using to become who he was on that day.

Wow…  the power of intention…

Sue learned how to forgive his worst enemy, and love him as his Father…

Sometimes we carry things with us that we may look at as flaws… perhaps we are too stubborn at times, or we are passive-aggressive, or perhaps just too passive, and we beat ourselves up for not handling things differently without even realizing it.  

Sue could have grown proud of his unique name, after all, how many other men have that name?  Sue could have grown from the experience of accepting who he was, without the confrontation with his father, and still learned an invaluable life lesson.  Sue could have learned how to ignore the taunts of other men, and showed self confidence by displaying an unshakable sense of self when a pretty girl would giggle at his strange name… 

but that’s not how it all went down.

Sue was pissed off and angry at the world because he had a belief that there was a source to his misery other than himself.

He believed that eliminating the person that gave him the name would make him feel better…

After what he believed to be the cause of his pain was removed, would he actually have changed anything?  He would still have been the same person as he was before, and continue to be.  In forgiving his father, he learned what it means to love and care on a much deeper level, a level he had likely never considered before.

While Johnny Cash may not be Friedrich Nietzsche, he still has some valuable insight to life through his art and experience.  In fact, the quote by Nietzsche “Be careful when you cast out your demons that you don’t throw away the best of yourself.” comes to mind when I think about “what next” after Sue met his father.

Sometimes, we are Sue, and some times We are the Father, and sometimes, it takes the two of them to come together to illuminate a different perspective and promote grow in all those who experience it.

I feel like I’ve been Sue, and I’ve confronted many, if not most of my personal demons…  but what I find now, in this moment, is that I lack a muse to which I can focus upon to drive and motivate me to the next step.  

And I REALLY don’t like that…

I feel as though I’m not getting it, like I have to have some kind of major conflict that stirs my negative emotions in order to drive me to better things… 

I have become addicted to the cycle of self-destruction….

I AM however, thankful that I’m THAT self-aware, and NOT continuing to be as I always once was.

I’ve taken the Red Pill.

I can see my contribution to my own destruction, rather than just experiencing it blindly…

So now we begin “Enlightenment 102”.

There are so many new experiences that I’ve open my mind up to experiencing…

I plan on trying to enjoy standing in line as much as I enjoy the ride.

 

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