There have been times in my life, where I have been confused by a woman’s intentions. I recall back in Middle School in my “Midwest” days, the first girl I ever REALLY kissed (Tongue Involved).
Her name was Jenny M., she was an attractive girl, with an outgoing personality that completely countered my shy, insecure dork-ness. I hadn’t noticed her noticing me… in fact, I hadn’t noticed any girls at all. I wasn’t interested in dating, kissing under the bleachers or even “fooling around” like many of the other kids whom I’d heard the stories of such activities from.
It humors me to realize now that the girls back in Middle School were much like men in High School.
Generally speaking, of course.
Jenny had no intentions of a long term relationship with me, in fact, it was common knowledge that she only wanted to “do me, and drop me.” Everyone knew this… except me of course. When I went on a class trip to Washington D.C., I found out later that she had been cheating on me with someone else in my whole 4 days of absence. It was reported that she missed me terribly, but she wouldn’t have done it if I wouldn’t have left.
I wasn’t sure what the justification was the next time I’d heard that she had cheated on me.
Either way, back then, I really didn’t much care. I got somewhat roped into being her boyfriend in the first place… I recall hesitating to accept the offer for a few days until finally I said, “Why Not?”. Back then… I was far more interested in how to develop the Trust of my Population, and keep Lu Bu from switching sides on me during battle in the old Super Nintendo game Romance of the Three Kingdoms II.
Jenny wanted me to “make out” with her, among “other things” and I was genuinely uncomfortable for my first time. I wasn’t afraid of her, or women in general, but I didn’t know how to handle her aggressiveness. I had no real deep feelings for her, though I slowly began to develop a sense for what it means to love someone…
At least my interpretation of what love was anyway.
My, how that has changed in the decades since…
Eventually, we broke it off, it was mostly her doing. She more or less put the relationship out of its misery, and moved onto screwing this guy Casey that lived across the street from my good friend RJ. (Try finding THAT guy on social media by name only…)
I was honestly relieved after it was over… however now I had this big hole in my day which I used to write her notes and such. I even learned how to fold a 5 page letter into the shape of an arrow to make the passing of the note that much easier.
I wonder how I made it through Middle School sometimes…
Ever since, I’ve realized that there is something more to a connection with another person, something that is special and meaningful. A bond that two people are capable of sharing, and the elements of what a relationship really is.
Pandora’s Box had been opened.
I spent the next few years trying to make sense of what love was, and the changes that I’d been through in my home life. I lived in chaos for most of my childhood with an alcoholic mother and father, AND step-father, and I can now appreciate these little episodes of “normalcy” that I was able to experience between tragedies.
I remember the first time a girl ever put her hands down my pants too…
I didn’t expect things to go that way… she was fooling around with another friend of mine and the whole little after school posse ended up trapping me in the room with this girl and I think she was as nervous as I was… I still don’t understand why it went down that way, yet I remember how foolish the whole event was, and it ended quickly when someone burst into the door.
I had no game back then either, ha ha.
The next time I remember being confused by a woman’s intentions, I had been sitting at the lunch table in the small cafeteria of my High School, and this guy Brock bursts out with “YOU wanna fuck HIM!?” after Jenny E. whispered something in his ear.
Chris and I go way back, haha.
To my recollection, she didn’t blush, but she had a natural nervousness about her to compliment her pale skin and rosy cheeks.
She was a very beautiful girl.
I had a burst of ego, and actually gave her my number. In fact… I think that was the first time I’d ever gotten a girls number before without knowing just about everything about her… the first time as “more than just a friend”.
We ended up dating for awhile… I’ll save the details for another blog that had been brewing for years now, but the long and short of it is she ended up breaking up with me by telling everyone else….
Just not me.
When I confronted her, she left me with some lame as bullshit about how I’d bitched her out for no reason.
Not calling me back for 3 weeks after I’d given you my Pager and changing the message on it to a rap song that you liked warranted a reason for me.
Regardless, I was again baffled by a woman’s intention. What exactly was it that she wanted from me, and what is it that I was not doing right? I guess I’ll never know… and the older I get, the less I really want to.
The problem with the “Ignorance is Bliss” mentality, is that you doom yourself to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
Well, it happened again, and again, and again.
I found a girl that I liked, she was a little older than the last few I’d dated, she had a career in motion, she was intelligent and interesting. We met for drinks, and when I had showed her my room at my Uncles, she kind of made some implications that she wanted things to “move forward”.
Not that I was necessarily opposed to the idea… but I wasn’t in that frame of mind. I wasn’t thinking “I’m totally getting some!” when we went back to my room.
Which made the “good night kiss” more like a “good-bye” kiss.
I never saw her again.
I then dated a sweet little girl who was again… probably a little too young for me, but we had such good conversations in the beginning and her purity and genuine passion for life had captivated me… I really really liked her… but I suppose we lacked the common denominator of social circles, or perhaps we were both simply too busy with our own lives… either way, we decided to remain friends and nothing more,
Although I haven’t seen her since.
I think the worst of them all, was a cute little Polish girl that really caught my attention. She was funny, intelligent, quirky, stylish, passionate, and motivated. She was everything I’d ever wanted in a girlfriend, and I really was trying to “cool my jets” when I finally got to have some “alone time” with her…
Two passionate people on one couch, alone in a great big house discussing the universe and it’s “hidden dimensions”….
I couldn’t help myself.
And apparently, neither could she.
Clothes ended up everywhere, and the girl blew my MIND with her kissing ability.
I was enthralled, I LOVE it when a girl knows how to kiss, this girl was AWESOME!
But we were getting ahead of ourselves… and we both knew it, too.
“Let’s take it slow, ok?”
“Yes, VERY slow…”
Well I guess fooling around and sleeping naked together doesn’t constitute as slow… even though it was in all honesty slower than I wanted to go, haha. She filled me full of desire with comments like, “I’m going to blow your mind.” And “I want you to want it BAD.”
With talk like that, I was all for waiting for the right moment.
We woke up late, and I drove her to her weekend part-time job and was looking forward to seeing her later. I went to the junkyard and got a few things for my car, and by the time I was done with all that, she was about to get off work. We enjoyed a beverage or two, played a game of Chess, and then went to a movie.
She was very much different from last night… she had grown distant to touch and cold in comparison to previous vibes.
I was a little confused.
As I was dropping her off, she told me that she wasn’t ready for “this” and she had hoped to become better closer friends.
I couldn’t help but to feel SEVERELY rejected… it didn’t really set in until I had gotten home.
While I’ve “kept looking”, I still am bothered by what had happened with this one… She was kind enough to invite me (and the rest of MySpace) to a Halloween party she was hosting, and she had called me to invite me to brunch with her sister after I saw her “out and about” after a Yoga class one morning, but I was busy and couldn’t make either.
I hate that I feel this way, but I don’t think I can bear being “just friends” after what happened. I really like her still, and I think she’s awesome… but I feel a bit trespassed, like I was lied to, or fooled. She’s a kind hearted person, and I’m sure her motives are either to not hurt me with the truth, or some kind of psychological reasoning stemming from her getting hurt real bad from a relationship about 3 or 4 months before she and I met.
I’m going to follow my own instinct, and let her go.
With these sort of things happening to me, I often feel as though there is something wrong with ME, and a person… as a MAN.
The nice thing about getting older is that the smoke and mirrors of status and reputation get broken, and you realize that when it comes down to it, we all put our pants on one leg at a time, and we all breath the same air, we all have basic needs, and we all want something beautiful. I have found what confidence means to me.
Even though the world seems to disagree with you, as long as you agree with your “self”, then you can never go wrong. Have faith in the person you are, and don’t waiver from that, or you will lose yourself. An Enlightened Being will never have to worry about pleasing others so long as you are pleased with your self from within.
It’s a hard concept to shift to for me… I’ve spent most of my life trying to make others happy, no matter what the cost. I can only have faith in my beliefs, and expect to find a woman that can appreciate me in my entirety, without reasons to build walls in which I am required to break down in order to win her over.
I’ve grown tired of girls…
I need a woman.
I couldn’t tell you where she is at the moment…
But I do know this.
She Is On the Way.