I inherited it from my Uncle’s MASSIVE collection of clothing, and while I like his sense of style…. some of it was a lil fruity in my humble opinion…
not that there is anything wrong with that…
if you like fruity.
But this shirt, it’s the type that hugs the neck, but still has short sleeves and light fabric. The kind of shirts you see the preppy guys in upscale frat houses from the movies wearing, with there perfect crew cuts and snobby accents.
Then it hit me.
My wants, needs, desires, and life… what I focus upon, what motivates me… I’ve changes SO MUCH in the last year and a half that I find myself not recognizing myself anymore. I’m still fundamentally the same guy, with the same personality, and the same passion for life… but everything that comes with that foundation has shifted and altered the course of my life.
I’m sure that moving from my Uncles house after taking care of him for the last months of his life, and then struggling to get back on financially stable grounds to manage my modest existence has prompted me to change in many different ways… but none of which I’ve noticed until this moment.
Sometimes, we all need a swift kick in the ass to motivate us to break free from the norms which impede our evolution.
You can quote me on that.
I feel like I’ve received multiple swift kicks in the ass as of late… the Death of a Hero, ANOTHER breakdown of the VDub, the swinging of jobs, dating woes, Vehicular Burglary, getting Evicted from Uncle’s house before it was sold…
It’s been rough.
Until 5 days ago I hadn’t slept for over 4 1/2 consecutive hours in about 2 weeks, and I worked about 90 hours in those same two weeks, had 2 yard sales, MOVED OUT back into my old room at my friends place (THE BEST ROOMMATE EVER!) and managed to hold together a sliver of a social life.
Damn I’m good.
Realizing that I enjoy overcoming difficult situations, and pushing myself to the utmost limitations has been the very DEFINITION of self-awareness to the best of my understanding.
But man… you don’t HAVE to make things hard to feel good about yourself.
I’ve been saying it for years now…
I’ve always been really good at finding the diamonds in the rough…
But why not look in a diamond gallery for diamonds? Why am I making life hard?
I finally have my answer.
It’s my fault. It’s all on me. I create my own reality and I am responsible for the chaos in my life today.
While it may seem like self-deprecation, it’s actually much more productive. When you study the “Self” and discover “Being”, certain facts become illuminated in the strangest of light. That strange light becomes familiar after awhile… and becomes more of the norm. So you look back at what was illuminated by the once strange light and it hits you…
I guess you could call this part of Enlightenment, “Stage 2”. I now realize that I am responsible both for my triumphs and my tragedies. It’s my fault the Bug is in the shop, not the lady who slammed on her brakes in front of me in the rain after gunning the gas peddle off the light. It’s my fault that I was evicted from my Uncles house, not the attorney who never sent me any bills for the Utilities. It’s my fault that I feel as though I don’t have a “classy image” because I deliver pizza for a living and I drive beat up sport compacts. It’s my fault that I don’t have the stability that I yearn for in life because I’m SO FUCKING GOOD at being a Bad Ass.
In short… I learned a PRICELESS life lesson:
Blaming others for your flaws and tribulations will only open the doors for a repeat experience.
I need to reprogram myself, and shift… shift everything.
Shift what’s important to me, shift what my goals and ambitions are, shift my conscious thoughts to steer me in a direction that will ultimately lead to changes in my life that will lead to my happiness.
It’s ALL about the journey, and I never plan on settling for any one destination.
It’s a wild ride, and it’s all about how you think and feel about your environment. I’m actually pleased to have had the struggles that I’ve endured, because it gives me a sense of appreciation for that which I have, and all the beautiful and wonderful things to come.
Maybe I should wear Perry Ellis more often.