You get the idea.
All these little trinkets and such that I’ve collected over the years… they all have their own tale to tell.
I think about how hard I’ve held on to these moments that I’ve treasured… and how much I enjoy having the experience and am longing for them once again.
And then I think about what I’ve learned…
Recently, I have been studying the “Art of Being”. No, I’m no where NEAR being ready to start teaching classes on T.M. or anything… but, I have just begun to scratch the surface of a new perspective on life…
Both Logically and Cosmically at the same time.
I used to fight within myself; choose sides.
“How can you truly love someone if you can’t wait for them?”
Because that’s life.
And it happens whether you’re ready for it or not.
How sentimental, and loyal and sincere to my lover I am that I’ll wait till Hell opens up under my feet and swallows me in a spectacular fiery blitz of doom before I would EVER put myself in a place where I would want to violate the sacredness of the promises to one another….
I’ve always thought of myself to be right and just sticking to my guns, being strong in my convictions. That’s just me. That is who I am, and how I was built.
Yet at the same time, I firmly believe that life is for LIVING.
Here it comes, at 135 Miles an Hour…
So how could I possibly be as happy as I am with having someone special to share life with at your side, when I’m waiting faithfully for my loves distant or indefinite return?
This is the classic conundrum of the Army Spouse. One is off to fight a war, while the other is left to entertain themselves in a big broad world full of happenings everyday…
I know of a few great army wives and girlfriends that really do stand behind there man till the death.
I have the utmost respect for these women; I myself ACHE for the opportunity to have a woman show me that kind of devotion.
There are those that are not capable of such things.
If you are to firmly believe in staying devoted to your lover, believing that this person is special and improves your life… your world… you must be able to tolerate those that are not as devoted.
They’re out there.
I used to have a deep resentment towards women of this nature… anytime I would see the symptoms… or the signs of something similar I’ve had occur in the past that proved to have a poor outcome…
I would cringe and become extremely sensitive.
I used to.
These days, I take it all into account and let my heart follow my head…
Perhaps that’s why I’m so adamant about being single.
I have had thoughts of why I’m just not ready… and perhaps it is because I am holding on to too much.
I have so much stress right now in my future, from stuff in the past… and I am having severe issues overcoming the negative forces in my life. It’s not the usual garbage mind you, but it’s STILL just that.
Whether it’s an empty milk carton or an old chair that finally broke into pieces…
It’s still all garbage.
I’m really the only thing holding me back. It’s been me all along.
I have the stress of my stressors because I allow them to reach me, I allow them to affect me in adverse ways. Ways that are completely counter-productive to me, everyone involved, and the universe as a whole
… in ways that are going to change.
For so long I’ve held onto my values of “sacredness” and “sentimentality”, but most of all, “Loyalty” and “Devotion”… nothing has ever been sexier than my girl not even so much as hesitate to say “No” to another mans advances
… while I’m at work pulling a double shift.
That is something that I value greatly…
But it’s also something that I need to look at much harder…
It’s very easy to become jealous and jaded if you are not open minded and understanding. Yet if you really look at the obvious from a different light, you’ll find that your values are holding you back from opening your mind.
I still value that which I always have, only now, instead of become angry at familiar bad memory, I take things as they come, and let my “values” be what they are, without having to crusade in order to feel like I’ve accomplished something.
I’m getting’ too old for that shit.
Follow me down the rabbit hole:
If you sincerely love someone, are you not going to want them to live the happiest life they possibly can? By wanting someone to wait indefinitely for you to “fix yourself” or to return from a long stay away, or even inside a long distance relationship…
There is a very selfish component operating.
Is it really fair to require being made into something so god-like to someone else? To need to feel worshiped and elite?
Is it really worth it?
Cosmically speaking, is it better to go through the suffering and agony of longing for something you can’t have?
Should we let go? Should we let nature take its course and just except the circumstances, and let live take on a natural flow, rather than to alter and manipulate it?…
… Set It Free.
I’ve got a long journey ahead of me in my studies and practices of how to live a better life… and it’s time for me now to make things happen, to create the environment that I desire, manifest my desires, and explore my potential. I’ve been looking forward to tomorrow for months now… yet I have seemed to neglect something so incredibly obvious.
The Present Tense.
I have been struggling to be happy in these tough times, but I remain dedicated to my goals and desires. That’s why I AM happy, because I am TRYING to improve myself. As long as there is fight left in me, I want to be moving forward and STOP moving backwards…
The time is now.
I’ve learned a lot by letting go of my pride, letting go of my ego, and letting go of love itself… only time can tell whether or not I’ll find the contentment that I seek, but I finally feel like I have something to focus on and work for in my very existence… as if I can actually make a difference.
I feel like I matter to the world. I like that.
I hold on to so many things…
The old methods I have at honoring my values are changing, and it’s a beautiful thing. Life is becoming far more lucid as I continue down this path. No longer do I wish to hold on to the sentiments of the past like relics that require attention and acknowledgment… That old idea of loyalty and devotion has become something far more fundamentally sound. It’s incredibly similar to the newest pile of my old clothing that I’ve begun to assemble. These clothes that I have not worn with any kind of consistency (or fashion sense) have filled the drawers of my dresser, and the space in my closet for YEARS. While there may have been a time when I did often wear them clothes that are currently being collected into a plastic trash bag, I no longer have a need for them, nor much of a desire to wear them ever again. Why am I sitting on these items? I need to lighten up my load a bit, what purpose does it serve to have this stuff in my possession? Why not pass it along to someone who may be able to use it? Why let it hold me in one sentimental place?
Why not Set It Free?
I finally ran out of excuses…
When I got over myself.