Somewhere… somehow… sometime ago… I’m not really sure exactly when.. But..
I grew up.
just like that. BAM! it hit me.
working 70-80 hours a week at 2 or 3 jobs, paying bills that don’t have one fucking ounce of influence on making life more comfortable…
house payments for a house I don’t even live in, power bills, lawyer bills, landscaping bills, and Lets not forget the $2500 I owe Home Depot.. paying for tires that I’ve already burned out long ago, credit card bills for shit I did months ago….
then… there are the bills that I pay that actually DO have a bearing on my life.
My Car Payment on my car that I rarely get to drive anymore, My Insurances, My tools for work, car repairs, A new (VERY USED) Truck for work, work clothes, It’s all never ending… and I can see that it will never change.
It all snuck up on me so fast…
I kept telling myself… yea… I’ll make it out to that concert, I’ll have some money saved up by then… I’ll go hang out with this person or that person next weekend, I can’t afford to take off work, I’ve got to many things going on right now… yea… I’ll go take a road trip there… I’ve always wanted to and I’m just going to do it one day!..
I’ve gone years without talking to my Old friends in Ohio, and strangely enough, over the past 3 months, I’ve actually talked to about half of them.. those that I considered to be the best friends I’ve ever had at any given point in my life. It’s strange to see how everything pans out almost a decade after you meet someone.
The Crackheads are still crackheads… or dead by now, the dumb-asses are still dumb-asses, the ambitious ones are still not satisfied with what they have, the lovers are still in love.. and the good friends, are still just that.
If anything, better friends than before. No pretentious bullshit, no overdeveloped drama, no serious gravity to your lifestyle, status or reputation, just 2 people. Talking. Relating. Bonding.
Getting to know each other all over again.
When I think of high school I don’t think of the classes I took, or the teachers I had, I think about who it was that I surrounded myself with. I’m just like anybody else when I reflect. I remember the good times, the positive things, and the negative as well. I remember who I had at my side during all the insanity of those years.
I think about who my true friends were.
Some people are very lucky, some people have friends that they have known for most of there lives… my roommates have known each other for all but maybe 2 years of their lives, they have always been friends, and even though they are very close, they have fundamental differences that irritate the other. But in the face of adversity, even though they both talk about moving out because of each others bullshit every now and again.. when it boils down to it,
They are friends for life. Unconditionally.
No Matter What.
to me… thats what a true friend is.
Someone there for you when you need someone… in your darkest hour.
I’d like to be a good friend to someone again.
One Day… I want to be that rock to lean on for someone I give a shit about.
One Day, I’d like to get outside of myself and my own little world of working till I practically faint everyday, get outside of the drama that creates itself from these issues in my lovelife, go hang out with the boys at the titty bar, play cards one night a week… go ride my bike across the county…. all in the company of good people… I want to do it all with some good friends that have my back.
No Matter what. If I can’t afford to get my car fixed… If I can’t find the time to organize my shit, If I can’t break myself away from the house for one day, if I don’t want to go play darts at midnight on a Sunday… just to know that I WILL get out with them soon, I WILL actually have the capacity to remember them on their birthday, or fuck even someones anniversary…
No Matter What.
I’ve spoke of becoming this better person… this… rededication to my friendships… but I haven’t actually done it. And I’m an asshole.. sure… there were glimmers of hope and flashes of improvement…. but ultimately, I just feel right back into the cycle.
I’ve had a few days off in a row while my Work Truck Situation is being ironed out, and I’ve felt closer to myself than I have in a very long time. Working like this so much, and having so many things to do, so many errands to run, so many responsibilities… I have been holding my own for sometime now. Being all mature and responsible.
All grown up.
But when I started dating someone again… and I mean seeing someone seriously, she demanded things from me that I hadn’t realized would be so difficult to achieve. I can’t say that I’ve ever had a girlfriend and worked like I do now, I’ve always busted my ass and put in my 40+ a week, with the exceptions being my 5th year of high school, and for about a year after Mom died.. Now I’m faced with the problem of being able to hold my shit together, working 60+ hours a week and still be a good man… still be the man that any girl I would want to call MY GIRL deserves.
I never knew what it was like; I never truly understood how difficult it really is to be the “adult”. Until now.
I have become a man.
I’ve got a lot to learn still, and I knew that I did before… but I realize now that I was full of myself for a long time. While I never expected anything to be easy about growing up, I did expect that other people could understand and relate to my situation, my plight of life being that I work all the fucking time and I have mad bills to pay… But they don’t understand, they don’t care, they can’t possibly imagine what its like to live my life… and they shouldn’t have to. They have bullshit of their own they have to concern themselves with first. Just like me.
They are Just Like Me.
Being a man has a lot of expectation that I’ve never been comfortable with bearing… I’m REQUIRED to be “the bigger person” when someone else can’t be. I’m EXPECTED to have strong convictions and get mad and angry at people. I’m FORCED to tolerate a society that is unfair and unjust without faltering or waiver. It was always been me perception that if a fight has no prize, if its outcome has no importance or bearing on my future, why do battle at all? I always though that being mature was seeing things in the big picture, seeing things from afar… since it’s so easy to be blinded by whats in your face. If something is important enough for me to fight for, I’ve always had an “eye for an eye” principle. I’m not trying to hurt someone or damage something more than they have me… but just level the playing field. How many times have I been beaten down and broken and still managed to make a point? To show charecter and strengthen conviction in myself. If I am to fight, it is not to conquer or to prove anything… it is for self-preservation, and what is fair and just for something that I care about. Unfortunately, I am finding the world to be a lot more harsh.. it seems that respect comes from brute force and expressions or discontent. After all, the squeeky wheel is the the one that gets greased.
Like I said, I have a lot to learn.
I do know one thing that I’m never going to change how I feel about:
Fighting proves nothing, reasoning proves everything, because it enlightens us all.
Instead of battle, which merely proves who has more resource or is better equipped, what about getting to the root of the matter. What is truly RIGHT and JUST?
If people could REASON with one another and find the root of the issue at hand… perhaps we could begin to compromise and understand the opposition. Maybe there is a better way. I think so. While I do agree, there should be things in life that you are willing to fight for, doing battle always leaves a path of destruction in its wake… whether the cause is justified or not.
I’m not the only one caught up in the rat race, I am but another face in the crowd… another soul just trying to figure it all out… just trying to get somewhere.
I WANT to have my nice car, I WANT to have good credit, I WANT to pay off the debts that I have… because ultimately, I want a nice house, and maybe to own other properties too…. Hell, everyone I know with shitloads of money and “the easy life” owns multiple properties and has excellent credit. Me? I’m so FUCKED right now… how will I ever get there? As it stands now, it will take me YEARS to get my head above water to where I am even able to GET a loan for my OWN home… and it has been a dream of mine for a long time.
I realize these issues that exist in myself… the core reasons for being discontent,
and it MOTIVATES ME.
It…. INSPIRES ME
It lights a fire in me that will NEVER die.
You Ain’t Ever gunna burn my heart out.
So fucking what? What if it does take me that long? then it takes me that fucking long! Life is a journey, not a destination. The important thing is that I get there at all.
Maybe it’s closer than it is to far. Maybe I’m making it more difficult than I have to. Maybe if I just took some serious risks, and put myself out there on the line, put myself out there for that awesome job in an office with 401K and benefits and a phat salary LIKE I SAID I WOULD SOMEDAY…. maybe If I sat down and started writing a book like I’ve ALWAYS SAID I WOULD.. Maybe if I picked up my guitar and started learning my scales better LIKE I’VE BEEN SAYING FOR 12 FUCKING YEARS…
Maybe I would be the next big overnight success, maybe if I could focus on what my passions in life truly are, I could be satisfied. It took me years to get comfortable in my own skin, I never knew it was even possible until it happened for me.. but to be satisfied… to be satisfied in my own skin… being me… and being content with my place in the world, and with my life and my accomplishments and my potential…