I’m So Tired I Can’t Sleep

I am So Tired I Cannot Sleep, Distill the Light That is Inside of Me

I fell asleep around 1:30 a.m. and woke up about 4:30 a.m. or so…

I haven’t been able to get back to sleep… Life as I have become to know it, is slowly un-raveling before me… I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. cliche… yep… but I can’t escape. My day job hasn’t needed me for a few weeks due to a new person doing a different job than I do getting hired in the time I was in the Midwest… So I have been throwing myself into the pizza gig.

Hard-fucking-core.

This last paycheck I made 109 hours… but Anniversary is now over, and my gangster style has left me getting the shaft… I sweat blood for that fucking place, I do everything I can to help the store make money so that I can make money too. Unfortunately… everyone else thinks that I’m an asshole because of my ambition. I’m a real easy target right now due to some bullshit that went down involving a 16 year old kid stealing from the store, along with a former manager who apparently implicated me and another driver I work with of being involved in some shit of some kind on our own. I knew that people were stealing, because everyone that was stealing would brag about it.

Since I had heard them bragging, and I chose to live the gangster life, and look the other way… my boss is “upset” that I didn’t Narc, therefor, I get fucked.

No one else Narc-ed either, not even the chick that he is fucking on the side who was hanging out with the 16 year old eating the beans that he was buying with the money he stole… but… no, I get fucked worse than anyone. Although rare, I have profited from certain glitches in the system, but I’ve been fucked FAR WORSE by the same system, just as the other driver has I’m sure. I work my ass off, If I were stealing, I wouldn’t have to work nearly as hard. But… since my bosses boss doesn’t like guys with long hair, and he got involved with the matter, I get fucked. I didn’t get fired, as I should if I were truly involved with something like what this kid and this manager that were apparently stealing… no… instead I got my hours cut drastically. I lost my closing shifts during the week… and that hurts. I’m going from 15-20 deliveries a night to 8-10 if I’m lucky…

In combination with the suspended day job, and the house payment that I am paying for that fucking house I’ve got in the Midwest¬†that I can’t find a decent rent paying tenant to live in… I’ve got money issues right now. I’m not broke… yet… but if this keeps up, it’s only a matter of time. What I’m coming to realize is that no matter which way I slice it, it’s still a pizza job. I’m never going to escape this type of bullshit if I keep on being the pizza man.

There will always be something that will fuck me in this business.

Sadly… as much as I truly do love the job, there is so much heat right now that I don’t really think I can stand it.

I need to start my career… soon.

I’ve worked all these hours at this level of intensity, yet it’s as if…

I’m So Tired, I Can’t Sleep…

I’ve had my Bachelor of Science for about 2 1/2 years and have been without college classes for almost a year now. I found salvation as a pizza man after many failed attempts at getting “a real job”. I worked as a Tech refurbishing Dell laptops for $10/hr with no benefits for about a month. I was required to work 6 days a week, 7 hour shifts, 3rd shift, all which I had to do while I was still in school full time. I make more money than that doing pizza, and it’s a LOT more fun. I tried to be an AOL Tech Support asshole… for $9.50/hr with bad-ass benefits 4 days a week, 10 hour days. They fired me on my 3rd day of the 2 week training class for not telling them about the time I DID NOT get convicted of possession of some fucking STEMS in my car that a cop wanted to be an asshole about on my application.

Whatever.

I wasn’t real keen on driving to “The Big City”¬†everyday anyway, and I have issues with sitting still for long periods of time. and… lets not forget… I make more money doing pizza. and….. it’s a lot more fun. Despite my passion for the job, I do still think that my future is not with pizza, but with some kind of tech position with a small company or something.

I’ve been to quite a few interviews that I was truly over qualified for the positions and still never got any further consideration, and I’ve been to some that I really thought would be my dream job, but just didn’t get any kind of response from my follow ups. I’m not real sure how to handle the situation… most of the shit will probably just blow over though.

I’ve lost my faith that things will work themselves out somewhere along the way… I’m getting stressed over shit that I used to not worry about. This is prime stuff for “The Pizza Man Experiment”… I’m learning that even though sometimes I may seem strong, it is actually the root of my weakness. I don’t want to lose my job, even if it is pissing me the FUCK off right now. This too shall pass. I’ll wait till I am a bit more stable to find my career path, haha, if that’ll ever happen…

-sigh-

I have to have faith that it will.

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