“The Pizza Man Experiment”

For the past few months I’ve posted a collection of random thoughts, emotions, feelings, and events that have occurred in my modest life. I truly do believe that in doing so I’ve learned a great deal about myself, and my place in the world. This is a large portion of what I can see thus far: I’m flawed, not just a little, but I’m talkin’ bout bein’ FUCKED in the head.

Especially if your referencing my train of thought to the masses.

I’m ignorant, I don’t think I’m hopeless, but I’m “young, dumb, and full of cum” still… I guess…

I try to learn why the universe operates the way it does, yet my issues with that probably stem from me trying too hard. I try too hard. Yes, cliche, but true. It’s not something I hate about myself, but more something I need to temper. A good example is me always trying to find my typos, misspelling, and grammar errors to appease the tight ass people that may or may not read my shit. I don’t have perfect grammar. I misspell shit. I use slang on occasion. fuck you. get over it. I don’t know when to shut the fuck up… as if it weren’t obvious already… All this is only a portion of what I’ve gotten out of seeing my own chaotic life unfold in a flurry of angst, doubt, and disappointment.

This year is going to be huge in my life, but I’ve got to raise my own bar and step up and be a better man. I believe such a thing can’t be achieved without working on mastering ones own surroundings. I have always been a good study at any subject I’ve applied myself to… so… I’m going to open my mind and maybe some others too with:

“The Pizza Man Experiment”

I work with the public on a daily basis in a unique fashion that requires minimal interaction and yet a brief introduction to some very intimate details of a persons life… Age, Sex, Ethnic Background, Relationship Status, Sexual Orientation, what kind of car you drive, pets, kids, what kind of neighborhood… the list goes on and on. I keep my eyes and ears open to whats happening with the persons in the home that I am visiting… you would be amazed of how many times it’s helped me time just the right thing to say (or not to say) for a better tip, or even just for valuable information. I want to learn my world, I want to better myself, and I seek understanding and rationality.


The experiment isn’t to prove or disprove any fact or hypothesis, but it’s more to make progress in understanding the principles of the world that we all must share and live in together. It’s not about being a better pizza man, its not about figuring out what makes a woman tick, all of that is simply a bi-product, advantageous possibilities of what you could gain from maintaining a view of the overall big picture. People never cease to amaze me, so I’ll never be able to predict everything that will happen… but… I have developed this technique for spotting out the assholes that are about to do something stupid while I’m haulin’ ass to the next delivery.

It’s pretty basic, I point my finger at the asshole before he cuts someone off (usually me) or before they change lanes with little or no turn signal RIGHT in front of me or someone that may try to avoid hitting that guy and dart in front of me… etc., etc… now typically when I’m in the heat of the battle at 8 pm on a Friday night, I don’t give a second thought to the people on the road and their intentions. If you’re driving slower than the rest of us, get the FUCK out of my way. If you can’t figure out how to make a right turn without coming to a complete fucking stop first, you need to be drug from your car RIGHT on the spot and take a close fisted blow right in the mouth, and THEN get a explanation on why your missing some teeth… so the next time a pizza man that got stuck behind you wants to make the light at the next block down, you will be FAR more motivated to make that turn at a reasonable rate of speed and far LESS motivated to come to the complete stop.

Now I’m not at all a violent Pizza Man, but out there on the road, your fuckin’ with my paycheck, and if I’m on the clock… I take it personally. The things I am noticing, are the moments where I’m the asshole for being angry about the guy in front of me driving slow because there is a cop sitting up ahead at the intersection. Or when the guy that was turning right that came to a complete stop to fuck me into having to sit through the longest light on 4th street was avoiding the homeless person creeping across the street with a shopping cart… Only in hind sight do I realize my error, yet I am so accustomed to the morons on my┬áCity Streets, that I make an automatic assumption that they are doing something wrong, when perhaps those that I am directing my misguided anger toward are indeed victims themselves.

If I were to temper my frustration, I could learn to tolerate such things much better, just as I do if I’m not working. I am trying to raise my own bar… I’m trying to enlighten myself and learn how to function more efficiently with the tools in life that I have acquired or am blessed enough to have at my disposal.

This is the principle of what “The Pizza Man Experiment” is all about.

It’s not about the battles, it’s about the war. It’s not moon and stars, it’s the sky, it’s not the spinning wheels… it’s the highway.


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