So often, I become critical of myself. I make mistakes, and I will allow things to stress me out. I feel pressured by time passing by so quickly, and there are moments in my life that I get so incredibly bogged down…
Like I just want to lie in bed,
and do absolutely nothing…
but close my eyes
I’ve been running in the rat race again, something I find myself doing periodically. It’s been “the new usual” lately…
Work, Work, Work, Work, Sleep, School, School, Work
I really don’t get out like I used to… or hang out with as many people either.
I’m in the middle of Masters Degree, and I’m muddling though it fairly well…
But I’m just not into this Statistics class…
I’ve done similar statistical data in finding angular velocities and RMS current and voltage levels during my Bachelors, but this is “Business” related material… and frankly, I’d rather be playing with an oscilloscope and blowing up relays.
I dig me some math…
but statistical analysis?
I’ve fallen severely behind in the class, and even as I write this now, I have a MULTITUDE of material to go over, a final “team” project to work on, a paper to write, and 5 weeks worth of workbook (story type problems… lots of them…) assignments due.
The whole situation has me constantly plagued with “dis” ease, and has been riddled with hurdles to overcome in order to maintain my less than stellar B average.
I know I can do better than this…. but for some reason…
I’m just not.
I take full responsibility for it too. It really is all on me.
Yet… all that does, is seem to drive me even further into negativity… because I don’t seem to DO the things to bring me out of it…
I actually AM doing some really good things right now, but I’m not enjoying those feelings from it… instead I sulk in my self-disappointments.
I literally know I’m doing the wrong things, yet the lack of ignorance no longer seem to be enough to motive me.
I beat myself up over A-‘s and B+’s, not because those aren’t good grades… but because I know I am capable of Acing this stuff.
I am not doing what needs to be done though, I’m not sticking to deadlines, and I’m letting it all pile up on me to where I have to throw it all together at the last minute… and as a hella editor I am… I don’t get it” right”.. get it… polished… in order to compete with the “top of the class” while earning a Masters Degree.
Trust me… it’s no walk in the park. I just know I can kick its ass, but I’m letting it kick mine instead.
Despite this ugly truth, the fact I’m doing as well as I am is a testament to the 80 / 20 rule.
You get 80% of everything done in 20% of the time you have.
lately… I’ve been more on a 95 / 5 rule…
and that’s not good.
Tonight… I had a group presentation to take part in…, and we had to write a 5000 word APA formatted paper, and do a presentation that demonstrates our knowledge of statistical analysis….
and I’m the only one of the four of us that made any effort to actually use statistical terms in the paper.
Statistical terminology makes up 50% of the entire grade of the paper according to the assignment rubric….
Three shots of 5 hour energy drink later… I did the larger part of our presentation in class because I was the only one who had ANY mention of statistical data references….
While I realize I’ve been falling behind, I somehow managed to pull off yet another miraculous “last minute save”.
In the typical “old-school” myspaceFamous @ FictionOrPity fashion…
I’m getting too old for that garbage man…
I’m just glad I was able to step up when I was the only one who could. One other team mate helped with the layout of the presentation, but in comparison to the other groups that presented to the class tonight… it was pretty weak.
Somehow… troubles and difficultly find me yet again…
I keeping telling myself… it’s something I’m doing…
because it’s true.
Perhaps… I’m not celebrating the victories enough.
This week, I made AWESOME cash at work, I actually made back some of my losses in the stock market, and learned all kinds of new methods of playing stocks and the news…. I hung out with friends a little, helped out my neighbor, changed my driver-side axle and fixed 50% of the crap wrong with my car… with my own two hands…
and I rock-starred in my “learning team”
I finally did the dishes…
I finally vacuumed my apartment…
I even worked a little more on some of my web projects.
I got my first email from someone who found me through a search engine. She wants information on how to sign up for the legal insurance plans I’m licensed to sell for a publicly traded company on the New York Stock Exchange.
That makes me smile… since I haven’t done “Search Engine Optimization” (SEO) in almost 3 years, and am already getting hits after submitting to Google less than a week ago.
That makes me feel…
Real… REAL good. about the future of my business.
I even managed to finish one of 2 make up assignments from missing the last half of class during the first week of the semester to go see The Toadies play 6 blocks from my apartment. (It was SO worth it!)
Hell, I’m even doing my laundry as I type.
It’s been a fantastic week in terms of “productivity”.
I know I’m capable of more, and I sometimes let “blah”, overcome the “rah!”
The biggest deal in my financial history just took place this past week.
I no longer own the house in “Midwest”.
with the help of many many attorneys… some of them from my legal insurance network, I actually do not owe ANY of the 2 1/2 YEARS of mortgage I could no longer pay.
is a big deal.
I’ve been waiting for this day for literally YEARS, I can FINALLY start rebuilding my credit… and work on that old dream of buying my own home again.
While I have to admit, the fact that I feel like I failed at the opportunity I had by mom leaving the house to me (with a mountain of debt on it), I still feel REALLY good about having that crap off my mind.
For anyone who has known me for awhile, this on-going drama has woven itself into the very fabric of my existence… and now it feels as though the cast has come off.
I’m pretty awesome,
and I don’t say that lightly.
I mean it.
Believe it or not…
You are awesome too.
Sometimes it takes awhile to really let the good things happening in your life to really sink in, and become a part of your everyday routine. That’s why it’s so easy to get caught up in the never-ending churn of a mundane life.
“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation” – Henry David Thoreau
I’m heading to the “Midwest” for my annual Christmas visit, and it’s going to be a little weird not having the house to go to… even though it was cold and empty… and slightly creepy with no electric or running water, it was still mine… and I still have some (mostly) bitter (semi) sweet memories of the place. I put a lot of effort (and capital) into that house, and not having it there does make a difference in how I feel about what once was my home…
But then I realize what doors this opens for me, and I start to feel those foreign sensations of….
I see the flaws in the foundation I’m working with, but I have finally become self-aware enough to act in a positive fashion.
I haven’t been taking very good care of myself… and that really needs to stop.
I used to go to Yoga class 2-4 times a week, work out at least 2 times a week, eat much MUCH better, and steer clear of some bad habits I have been flirting with… like eating pizza… once a day… and nothing else… and smoking cigarettes.
Being were I am right now, I can learn from this place…
it’s where NOT to be.
We are all human, and something tells me, that someone out there is reading this, and relating to every letter. For that person, I want to tell you something that you should never EVER forget.
You are Awesome.
It’s about time you treat yourself like you are, because you deserve to be at your best, and make life happen for YOU.