Love has always been the foundation of my very Being. My first memories are those of my father and I, together in the basement of our family’s first single family home, creating a decorative wall mounted image made of wood and a bake-on transfer image of a Native American in full warrior paint and garb. Dad has always been excellent with wood and naturally crafty with tools in general. I recall the feelings from that day, emotions with roots of an assumed connection.
He IS my Father, and I could feel the love. Something that never need be mentioned or acknowledge, yet we both felt its existence betwixt us.
Not the type of love that runs cold after a bitter argument, or is betrayed by allowing ones self to be put into a position of vulnerability…
Not the brand of love that allows justification for beating one’s head into a proverbial brick wall for the sake of promise and potential longevity…
Not the version that wants to repair or re-invent a person’s perception of their environment and experiences…
I speak of a Love that is forever and everlasting, with infinite tolerance, acceptance, and understanding. The kind that will make you grit your teeth in an instance of trespass, and bring you to a point that you can’t do anything but laugh and smile… and appreciate the differences of perception and opinion. A Love that warms the soul in your darkest moments, and that you can trust with your every emotion and confess your deepest fears too.
Everyone’s criterion is bound to be unique,
The Love I write of
Is MY version…
I cannot recall the first time I felt pressured and stunted by my overbearing grandmother, reason being, that I’ve had countless experiences of the sort. She has a way of ESCALATED HER VOICE SO THAT HER WORDS CUT TO THE BONE LIKE KNIVES AND SHOOT DOWN ANY VALUE OR VALIDITY OF YOUR IDEAS OR DECISIONS and GIVE HER THE POWER TO DECIDE YOU ARE IN ERROR FOR THINKING OR DOING WHAT YOU HAVE JUST EXPRESSED.
Her voice, RISES sky high, not in pitch or tone, but sheer VOLUME.
“NOW YOU CAIN’T BE DRIVIN’ LIKE ‘AT WITHOUT NO SLEEP! HUNNY, GIT YERSELF SOME REST ‘N BE FRESH WHEN YER DRIVIN’ FOR THAT LONG!”
What has happened over the generations, in my opinion, is that this has been the norm for so long, no one knows any better. Ever since I can recall, I always felt oppressed and undervalued because it never seemed to me that my thoughts, opinions, or ideas really mattered to anyone because they typically trounced upon by my overbearing family. I had no means of expressing such complex feelings as a child, and my family has never been very intuitive of my needs. This combination of circumstance has left me misunderstood and confused. While I am no psychologist, I am able to recall the feelings of worthlessness and estrangement from my peers. I eventually embraced my dark side, where I just proclaimed myself to be crazy, and thrived upon the responses I would get from people that tried to cut me down by insulting my sanity.
Don’t fuck with me
You never know what I might do to you.
Don’t fall asleep in class… I have sharp pencils and I’m not afraid to remove the Stetro do drive it deep enough to pierce your breast plate.
This became my identity: the psycho loner that uses fear and the confusion of self deprecation to fend off those that wish me harm and are attempting to damage my extremely fragile ego.
When you grow up in a small town, or just stay in the same place for any amount of time, your projected image will continue to follow you unless you undergo massive personal changes. I used to think everything had such weight, such gravity… and that chain reactions were inevitable and circumstances were irreversible.
I was SO fucking Emo.
Goth Emo even.
Minus the nail polish, custom all black shredded clothing and make up…
I had never known what it meant to have roots anywhere I had lived before I came back to “Midwest” with my mother after her and my first step father divorced at the end of my 3rd grade year. So not only did I not have any friends or allies in my schools, but I had to relearn my surrounding… and I was already predisposed to being alone most of the time anyhow. The benefits of having 2 career oriented parental figures and no baby-sitter.
This was the mess I made for myself… and I was ignorant of the fact that I HAD THE POWER TO CHANGE IT ALL.
Yet, there I was, without the love of my peers and without love for them.
Every step, every word spoken, was like a land-mine ready to blow off my legs and keep me from advancing to the next chapter in my life that I left powerless to control and write myself.
Why it’s taken me this long to really uncover a lot of the truths that I’ve avoided for so many years is beyond me. I am an extremely stubborn person, something both mother and father have instilled in me… yet I’m also determined.
Something I have admired in others since my first conscious thoughts… Being warm, understanding and loving are other qualities I’ve admired in others since I can recall as well.
It’s about time I inherit these qualities for myself.
Ironically, it is me who holds myself back.
I have always had some kind of war to wage or battle to win, some kind of race to reach a checkpoint of life, or personal adversary that I felt I needed to best, be it an ex girlfriend, a classmate rival, or even my own father
So I’m a little slow…
Just like typical myspaceFamous @ FictionOrPity fashion…
Better late than never.
In the past few weeks I’ve finally overcome my own grief of not having a shared bond of love. I think it’s taken the time away from the experience and going through new ones, meeting new people, and sharing outlooks and perceptions with others, to finally see my own flaws and qualities objectively. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees when you are balls deep involved in someone else’s life. It’s not fair to either party because there are so many expectations… I expected to feel the same way I tried to express, and when I wasn’t getting what I wanted, haha or “thought I needed”, I would coil back in fear and pain, only bringing myself farther away from my goal of mutual and unconditional love.
You see… when I hurt, I am discontent. When I’m discontent, I am frustrated. When I’m frustrated, it is manifested in my actions. My frustrations manifest itself through ANGER.
Now… knowing myself well enough to realize this is not at all a bad thing.
However… I have learned how complex I truly have become.
I know I didn’t have it half bad growing up, I had food on the table, clothes on my back, family that loved me, I had countless sources to fulfill my needs and the people who provided support would genuinely appreciate having the opportunity to help me.
Like I said before…
I’m the Luckiest man alive.
Realizing that I experience this chain reaction and why I go through these emotions is one thing… but my fundamental flaw…
And it really is so very simple…
Is that I expect that to be okay. I expect it to be conceived as normal for me to have “my way of feeling and expressions”.
It’s not that it’s NOT okay… it’s that I myself often get upended by someone else’s “way”.
Stay with me on this.
I am pissed off because I can’t get through to my lover, I can’t understand why she is so discontent with me for something I see as being so minute and insignificant… meaningless. Not threatening to our relationship in any way shape or form. Since I know where my own heart is and what my motives are and are NOT, she should also. She should be able to tell from the look in my eye and the steadiness of my voice, and the connection in my heart… this issue she has, is nothing to be concerned over.
Well myspaceFamous @ FictionOrPity, obviously it’s NOT so trite to HER.
I would feel as though I did what I could to alleviate the animosity by explaining to her the lack of malicious motives. I did my part. Ok. The End. It’s over now. Shut up and kiss me baby.
If only it were that simple…
There are lots of complexities to this matter, be it the fact that I was late to something, or that I put a priority ahead of something that was more important for me than it was for her, that I forgot some kind of significant date or detail… things of that nature.
Infidelity is easy to use to fit this scenario I’ve laid out.
And ooooooooooooh the effects of MySpace on a relationship…
I can’t help it.
Just like a woman can’t help it if guys she enjoys conversation with men who are wondering what her nipples look like, or the guys that she works with like the way she smells… if the guy next to her at a stoplight asks her for her number, or if she gets looks as though she’s a slab of prime rib when she goes out to the club without me on a night I have to work. Hell… even when I go out with her.
These are things that I can live with… I am mature enough and secure enough with myself to handle these types of circumstances.
One of my favorite people in the world taught me this valuable lesson that has helped me in dealing with the insecurities I had in my earlier relationships… none other than, the man, my Uncle. While he is typically far more superficial that I could EVER be, I’ll never forget the idea that this phrase placed in my head:
“If I’m not lookin’ at your girl… then you’re with the WRONG GIRL.”
Think about that for a minute.
There is obviously some quality that others appreciate about this woman (the same can also be said for a guy I’m sure). I have no doubt my Uncle was referring to physical beauty, but take it beyond that…
People notice qualities that they appreciate. It’s part of being HUMAN. I have never been one for pure physical beauty, but I must admit that I have definitely raised my standards since the turn of the century as far as appearance goes. I’ve always had an attraction for personality and intelligence, charisma if you will. I’ve also found myself attracted to the OPPOSITE of what I’m coming from… in other words; I learn to appreciate qualities that exist in someone else that I yearned for from a past experience.
It’s different for everyone, but my point is, people who you are attracted to will attract others, just like they attracted you! That’s part of why you like them so much in the first place! I know a LOT of jealous guys, and I admit to being one of them in the past.
My last relationship helped me open my eyes to a lot of things that I have a need to tweak and work on in terms of commitments. While I learned that I am worth a shit, and I DO have value, and that I CAN find someone else who I is just as excellent, if not more so than the last girl… I am very adamant about FAIRNESS.
To my own demise…
The infidelity issues relationships have are inherit of this idea I’m attempting to describe… particularly for me.
Growing up, I always felt like love should be mutual, a two way street on everything, with every issue. I always felt like my mates of the past would get more attention than I would, like she was more desirable than I was because so many people would shoot her looks and give her attention.
Of COURSE she got more attention than me!!!!!
SHES A WOMAN!!!!!!!
Now that I have “come into my own” so to speak, I get noticed by women, often and frequently. I know I’m not exactly cookie cutter model material, abundantly tall, with big huge muscular arms, pulsating pectorals and a “pretty boy hair cut”, but there are women out there JUST LIKE ME who appreciates diversity. More importantly, there are women that appreciate what’s beyond the surface of the skin. THAT is where the true beauty in a person lies.
So, for the sake of “fairness” I feel as though a woman shouldn’t feel threatened and react to ME getting attention, most women that I’ve encountered (that are worth my time) feel as though I shouldn’t be threatened by THEM getting the SAME KIND of attention. The woman in my last relationship wasn’t “fair” to me, and I was just as unfair to HER. I was unfair to her, because I felt that if she is going to get upset with ME for getting the attention that was so threatening to her… I should be just as upset when SHE got it too!
I never said I was perfect…
Ironically enough… we were SO much alike that we were unable to embrace our differences to see and enjoy them for the qualities they truly are.
Once she felt threatened by the combination of my MySpace and friendships, I began questioning her motives and fidelity as well. I am left to believe that a lot of what made me uneasy about the attention she was receiving was because she was so incredibly naive.
You can’t have a conversation with a guy that you just met in the parking lot that lives in the SAME apartment building you do for over an hour, not so much as mention ANYTHING about having a boyfriend, and expect him to think that the two of you are going to hang out in a few hours and do some partying as “just friends”.
Come on man…
For someone who has mostly guy friends, she should KNOW BETTER.
If you are putting yourself in a position to be compromised, you are guilty of infidelity. You don’t go out to a guys house that is obviously (or even questionably) trying to get into your pants, get drunk, pass out in his house and then expect nothing to happen! Fortunately she wasn’t THAT naive, but I have had relationships of that nature before her… Having the “hangover” of hurt and doubt from the experiences of past relationships is a WHOLE different topic altogether.
I’m guilty of “aiding and abetting” also, I didn’t scorn those that leave me “VERY FORWARD” comments on my MySpace photo and profile comments, nor did I delete them. It’s not that I think that SHOULD have been how I responded to such a thing, but considering that I would have been upset if a guy would have left her a comment like that given the way I am about “fairness” and that she was upset about me getting the comments I received… so… I can understand her perspective.
Consider she would get these kinds of comments in everyday life… I recall an instance she told me about making change for a guy when she worked as a Pizza driver for some people I introduced her too and I worked at on occasion. Something I loved about her that I don’t think she ever really knew how much I appreciated was her open honesty. She told me about the following convo:
She asked this younger guy, “Ok, so it’s $26 and change, can I just get those two twenties and make change from that?”
He responded with,”You can have anything you want.”
She admitted to being caught off guard by it, and therefore, her attention had been grabbed.
From this type of experience, I have realized that I am resentful of a lover for being so easy to attract. I know better than to think that this guy ever had a chance in unraveling our relationship, but what happens when this cat orders pizza again and we are on the outs? What if he throws another slick like that at her, and she bites on it?
That’s just the natural course of action my mind takes…
I’m resentful for her being smitten by someone who throws a few good lines at her and grabs her attention?
Yes I am.
Reason being, I would never be that easy to attract. I would definitely smile and perhaps blush if I were to get that kind of response from any customer of mine… but never would I let her leave my thoughts…
Or my heart.
I’m just NOT going to be interested.
It could be Cameron fucking Diaz opening the door in a string bikini, macking up a hurricane on me, and all I’d do is try to be polite and smile and be on my merry way, taking with me a little ego boost and a whole lot of flattery… but I do not have the capacity to entertain the idea of even the most incredible drop dead gorgeous supermodel coming between me and my true love. It’s a value I’ve ALWAYS had, and I don’t ever foresee changing.
I am still in limbo with myself on how to deal with HER response to the situation should I ever encounter it again in my love life.
I’m forever grateful that she was so open and honest about her true reaction to the circumstances.
She gave me what I needed to know to realize that things were not fundamentally sound within our bond together, I value that rock solid foundation that I give my lovers, and I am damn sure worth receiving it. Perhaps I’m aiming too high, but I don’t think it’s impossible to find a worthy woman that feels that same way that I do in that regard. She made it my call, without using deceit or trickery, she allowed me to make a decision… a decision that I failed to make. She had to ultimately end things because I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t WANT to, but I had no faith that I could find something closer to what I wanted… I admire her in a lot of ways… but it’s hard to feel that way about her as a lover.
Perhaps she felt the same way about me as I did her, and that her attention being grabbed or likewise events was virtually identical to my reaction of blushing when the young lady’s cracked door swung open as her cat bumped into it and revealed her bending over in nothing but a t-shirt and t-back thong panties… but the feeling I got from her voice and the spark that seems to light in her eyes bothered me deeply. I may have told my story with a smile, but there was something more to it coming from her that bothered me… perhaps it was all in my head… but… I can’t ignore my instincts.
I can finally honestly say: “It’s okay.”
I resented her for not giving me what I gave her.
I know she gave me different flavor of the foundation that I seek, I just couldn’t get it. I was too blinded by her resentments of me and my “wrong doings” that we would comparatively argue over who fucked up first, and who fucked up worse.
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
I just wanted her to surrender to me… like I surrendered to her.
Since I didn’t see her surrendering to me, I would take up my sword and shield again, so that my fragile ego would not suffer any further damages…
The thing about that is… the more you fight, the more you’re going to take damage. You can’t get hurt if you don’t stick around to pummel each other. In the end, I found myself trying desperately to explain myself and reason with her how I felt about her. It was confusing for me to say the least; I couldn’t understand why everything that came out of my mouth was the WRONG thing to say…
I just wanted her to know how deeply I felt for her… how much I appreciated her connection and how dedicated I was to making it more than she could ever imagine possible…
Now that I am able to grow a little from the time we have been apart, I realize that I appreciate her, for her. I do like the person she is becoming, haha and thankful that she is not the woman of my dreams as I once thought. I’ve learned that there are differences in a lover and a friend that I never could consciously separate. Differences that I continue to realize…
I used to think that if 2 people were physically attracted to one another, and their was a great mutual respect for each others opinion, and the ability to converse with a genuine interest and sincerity existed, those were the primary criteria for true love.
Perhaps that’s true…
Yet this love that I seek knows no bounds, it has no limits, and it’s ultimately as unconditional as it is strong and true. Which within lies the utmost passion… unlocking joys of the heart, mind, and body that can not be understood until you meet the counterpart and make a connection that is to last a lifetime…
Maybe I truly am a hopeless romantic…
I can so easily describe my emotions of my recent past because it is just that…
But these flaws within myself and within the relationships of yesteryear are finally coming to light.
I had been feeling this strange hole inside me for a long time since the LAST time I had been in love. I recently came back in contact with this past lover because I chose to. I actually remembered her phone number after all these years… just like it was yesterday.
I called her just to say hi…
And that I’m sorry.
I was very mean and perhaps a little cruel at times.
She drove me INSANE with her poor pity me cry baby bullshit particularly towards the end of the 3-plus year relationship. She would never be happy to see me, she would never kiss me like she used to, she would never smile for me when she would open the door and I was standing there… and the way I reacted to her being that way probably only made it worse. I would have the utmost of hopes that when she would arrive, my genuine positive energy would lighten her face up with a big bright smile and make her whole day better.
Damn she always did have an incredible smile…
To this day, I wish she would smile a lot more often…
I am realizing that I too am to blame for the decay of our relationship… because just like the last one…
I didn’t know when to end it.
Nothing makes you appreciate something more than saying goodbye to it. Nothing makes a new found appreciate possible without, obviously, newfound things to appreciate!
I still think she’s an awesome girl, and I have the utmost respect for her and how far she’s come in her life since we parted ways a few years back on such horrible terms…
I admit to still finding her incredibly beautiful, but she still has that… thing…
This thing in her voice that makes everything seem so hard for her…
It’s as though there is a gun to her head everyday of her life, and she’s still completely terrified and a weird combination of nervous and angry that the trigger is going to get squeezed at any moment.
Yet there are still the qualities in her that I found lacking in my more recent lover.
Understanding, Warmth, and most of all…
I like that.
Given the fact that I have been bumbling through life with this shroud of self-righteousness and ego over my eyes, I feel like this is what I need to do in order to get to a better place.
LEARN damn it!
LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES!
Something else my Uncle taught me…
“Ignorance is not knowing any better. Stupidity is knowing better… but doing it anyway.”
I’ve gone and reflected as far back as my first lover haha, the girl I lost my virginity too! I think about our relationship, and how I thought of love back then…
Man I got it BAD.
I’ve even done some soul searching for a means to an end for my animosity I feel about the past actions of my family towards me.
There’s nothing quite like a break up to stir the senses…
There’s nothing like a desire to improve your Being, to make you humble.
I recall the first time it hit me…
When I wanted to know what it means to be in love… when I first wanted to experience it.
I was standing on the back deck of our old condo in homes in Farmfield, “Midwest” while doing a walk thru of the condo that mom was eventually to buy. I had a pocket knife in my pocket, like every teenage boy in “Midwest” does, and I began to carve the initials of me and my very first kiss from middle school into the banister very slight and faintly in heart the shape of a heart with an arrow through it.
But damn it, I wanted to know what it must be like
I’m not inherently bad… my intentions are pure, I just lack the knowledge of my own potential, the potential to do both good and harm.
I’m still in no place to be getting involved in a serious relationship… I have too many things on my brain that I feel will hinder me from giving my all, to many questions of what it means to love another deeply and genuinely…
I’m ok with that…
I’ll get there