I don’t know exactly how it happened… but somewhere along the rocky climbs of my life I’ve become what some would call a truth-seeker. When someone pushes honesty to its breaking point, I am there to investigate.
I YEARN to know what REALLY went on when I wasn’t around…
I CRAVE the discovery of hidden truths that are so mysterious and precident that they need a woven tapestry of tall tales and Tarantula Sized web’s of blatant bold faced lies…
I LOATHE those who create such a world that be built based on false pre-tenses and twisted versions of a seemingly beautiful reality…
I suppose it began as far back as when my Mother used to tell little white lies to me about people…. about the world… about herself… I was of the age where people began to make more sense… why things were different from household to household, why I would be ridiculed by some, yet praised by others for the exact same activities… why some people had no one surrounding them while others were nearly impossible to get the attention of due to their favorable status. It wasn’t long before I knew what others wanted, during these enlightening times, I also learned what people were willing to do in order to make the things that they wanted to happen, a reality.
By any means necessary.
I spent many years fibbing to the parents… keeping information from them, masking issues in my life with diversionary tactics that usually resulted it general confusion and a lack of punishment for all the rotten things I had done, or intended upon doing.
Years passed.. I had done so many things.. lied to so many people on so many levels… and I was barely a teenager.
Perhaps we all go through a similar phase like I did… but there came a point in my life during this young age that I realized…
Liars are some selfish muthafuckers
and thats not how I want to be.
Sure… I’m an only child of a single mother, I never had it great, but I did get my fair share of getting spoiled as a kid. Mom used to take me to my friends houses and to the mall, buy me condoms, feed me (Even if they were TV Dinners… they were still the Glazed Chicken bomb!), rent me movies and video games, let me borrow her car… I had nothing to be complaining about… yet I had no idea the depths of my own selfishness, until I discovered the existence of the pathological liar.
I continued to strive torwards being as honest as possible, but what I found in the thick of the struggle… was that people come to expect you to lie… and more or less reward you for conforming.
Just look at what the process of getting car insurance is like… or a loan from the bank… or when you get pulled over…. or even better, when you are applying for a job. Little things in life that are required, often have a requirement that you lie to advance in the game of life.
As I slowly began to try to incorporate my opinion of societies honesty into my personal life, I concluded that sometimes…. it’s just easier to lie.
Easier for me that is…
While I was never a habitual liar, I admit to telling my fair share of “white lies” to authority figures and the like.. but there was a seperation… see… by the time I had fallen in love, I had realized the pain and agony a lie could inflict upon another…
Since I didn’t want to be lied to, I chose to not lie at all to those that I loved.
It’s lies from those that you admire the most that hurt more than anything else.
It’s as easy as “The Golden Rule”:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
It’s really not a hard concept for me, but for some…
Every girlfriend I’ve ever had, with the exception of Aprii, has repeatedly lied to me about a vast array of matters of the heart.
Stephanie couldn’t be trusted with her whereabouts and what she was doing and who she was with…
Amanda… well… she was fucking most of my friends, and most of her “guy friends” too. The Jury is still out on how many there were… at last count I had 9….
Salena… she lied about the most incredibly dumb shit a girl could lie about.. but at least she wasn’t a TOTAL whore. She even came clean on a few of the lies that she was carrying around with her during the course of our relationship. I can respect a person that can own up to their mistakes.. especially if its on their own free will and in the face of consequence and reprecussion..
With every major long-term relationship I had, I learned something new. I learned the kinds of things people are capable of lying about, the motives as to why lie in the first place, and the benefits of the lie.
after all… sometimes It takes one to know one…
While I continue to be amazed at the amount of bullshit I have put up with in my past lives, I have developed a slight amount of tolerance to it. I realize that people are often reluctant to admit to someone they love truths about themselves that my cause animosity betwixt them.
The Classic scenerio that comes to my mind is when my girl is hanging out with an ex-boyfriend.
Classic… because in every major relationship I’ve been in… this has been an issue.
but that’s a whole different blog all together.
It’s not always easy to offer information that will lead to discourse in someone who genuinely cares about you. It’s also easy to allow for incorrect assumptions to be made, because a lot of people are just like me… whether they know it or not… they WANT to think GOOD of others. Particularly those that you care about… which makes selling the lie, a WHOLE lot easier. Yet if you are able to own up to the reality of the situation under your own power and free will, I think it’s admirable enough to deserve at least a fraction of respect… as well as appreciation.
It’s the minimum amount of respect you can offer to someone who has put themselves out there for you…
There are often times I feel as though perhaps I’m far to honest..
It certainly doesn’t mean I personally would forgive all the sins of someone… FUCK no… but at least I can move on with my own life and heal. All the while still being able to recall the good things about someone, instead of hate their guts and hope that they die in a fiery auto crash.
Truth, Lies & Everything Between
The Truth is… forever.
a lie is only temporary.
The Truth is inevitable… of all the times I thought the world I lived in was a much better place… the women I loved shared themselves intimately with me and only me… of all the selfish lies that I’ve been inflicted with, I have learned much. But no lesson more important that this one:
The Truth always comes out.
The Bazooka of Truth.
Sometimes, you have to look inside yourself and trust your instincts..
We all hold the answers to our own questions
and ye Shall find.