It’s been awhile…
I haven’t even begun to let my heart go to anyone… I don’t know if I ever will like i have done before.
I’m so played out, I’m so aware of all the games, the lies, and the manipulations… I realize that women have the power to build me up and knock me down all at the same time… and whats worse, is women know it too. I like being single, I don’t have any responsibility to a relationship, no pressure, no drama, no bull shit… its just me and my 2 cats.
If I wanna go on a road trip, I’ll hit the road. If I want to go out drinking and just hang out with someone, I don’t have to worry about anyone but me. If a girl I’m interested in wants to talk to some other guy (or girl) I don’t have to worry about it.
It ain’t my bitch.
I’ll get on, all by myself.
I’d like to find this mystical soul-mate person that just clicks with everything I do and say, how I feel, and what I want out of a relationship… but man, I’m so over living out this makeshift fantasy that its all just going to have this big cheery happy ending. I have never felt more like an old man than I do now, and I wonder if I haven’t missed out on a lot of what life has to offer just because I’ve been hung up on finding that one true love, and trying to MAKE it work with someone that is full of secrets, lies, and other likewise bullshit. Girls say “I never told him but I know he knew” – and women say “I fucked up, and now I realize that” there is such a WORLD of difference there… it’s so easy to tell the girls apart from the women, yet… what do I really want? Do I want someone that has lost the luster for love and life or do I want someone oblivious to what love and life are truly like? I don’t understand love, and I don’t really understand what life is all about… I tend to fill in the blanks as I go. Right now, I have one goal. Work my ass off and buy a cheap house. That’s it. I have my blah blah Bachelor Degree that is nothing more than a big huge debt that is completely worthless to me at the moment. I have no ambition for getting a “career” job because I make WAY more money doing what I do now! why would I want to make less money at a job that I have to sit in a cube all day?
I’m so lost on so many levels… I just hope that faith is enough. I’ve got faith that things will reveal themselves to me, I just wish they’d hurry the fuck up.