Dead Horse

Dead Horse - I'm Gunna Dance

I typically don’t give a RATS ASS what people think of me…  there are people in this world who will judge you for no other reason than making themselves feel better…  making you look “less” empower them in their own heads.

On old cliche comes to mind fitting to the occasion:

“You laugh at me because I’m different, yet I laugh at you because you’re all the same.”

 I know I’m a little odd,

but that’s what I like about me,

stereotypes and assumptions just don’t apply.

I’ve had PLENTY of issues with overcoming adversity in my life; I am in a place now where I appreciate a neutral outside opinion.  Not so much of whether I’m a loser or not as in what do you see right and wrong, hopefully helping me grow as a person… as a man.

Sounds a lot like therapy…

I’m generally a friendly outgoing person, while I am a little shy to initiate contact or conversation with others, I tend to try to suck it up and get over it as to improve upon my self and rise above my flaws and insecurities…

When it comes to communicating with women, I am finding that I am perhaps a little more friendly and easy-going than perhaps I need to be at times.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very aware of how I can be when I’m at “talking shit” to a flirtatious female, I’m not sure at what point in my life it happened but I started living by a very basic philosophy under such circumstance:

If you play the music… I’m gunna dance.

Its not that I would ever act on it; it’s just kind of all in fun.

completely jovial.

There are many people that know what I am and understand the concept, after all… I had to learn it from somewhere, right?

Now that I have found someone more special to me than anyone could ever be…  I’m realizing that my attitude towards such attention is a bit hard to swallow sometimes.  I know how that can be… just about every girl I’ve ever loved has received attention from guys that I wasn’t too thrilled about.

In all honesty, I was never much to look at when I was younger, not that I really think I’m all that now,

I’m at least mildly attractive?

Hm.

When you spend most of your life being the “ugly duckling”, you tend to learn humility.  But when things change…  It also becomes very obvious people are looking at you differently… and it can also be EXTREMELY FLATTERING sometimes.

Sometimes often

-grin-

That’s just the way it goes.

I need to get over myself sometimes But I’m grounded enough to know when to say,

whoa… hey there, how about we tell each other our names first?

that’s where I like to start… somewhere around there.

And even I can see how pathetic this is all starting to sound..

I mean listen to me

I sound so timid and shy

so … weak.

I am completely lacking confidence that I once had

Yes…  love is my kryptonite

I am as tough as I am weak, I am as shy as I am bold, and I am hurt as much as I am stronger…

Because with love,

Your strengths easily become your greatest weakness.

Ultimately, I have caused the final end to what I thought was actually forever…  it’s all my own doing, and I finally see how.

If I could endure the kind of bullshit that could be potentially inflicted upon me emotionally:

I would have to be sorry for being strong in my convictions of my viewpoint and my opinions worth.  I would have to admit that I am indeed wrong for having many of my own perspectives, since it’s completely flawed and … therefore unacceptable.

I would have to realize that my personality is showing a side of me that is bad, untrustworthy, scandalous, and otherwise evil from my interactions with other females.

I would have to realize that I’m not capable of reaching a deeper truer version of what love actually is.  It is beyond my capacity to achieve such an awareness of reaching a higher plane of thinking.  True love is forever and unconditional, true love will always exist in someones heart no matter what the circumstance,

No matter what happens through the course of their lives, true love will always exist in each others hearts.

I don’t doubt that, I believe that it can always exist.

In fact,

I know it.

I guess its just the rest that I’m having so much trouble with.

Perhaps the battles I waged explaining myself and the repeated explanations of my actions as being completely harmless and practically insignificant took away from my overall capacity to cope with the relationship and “the real world” simultaneously.

I had a great time… and that’s always going to be how I feel about it,

I had some of the best moments of my life in this relationship…

but I can’t go on like this any more.

not now

not again

I felt a love that was true and pure and innocent, a love that intensified as I got to know the woman she was… on the inside, what really made her tick.

That’s really all that matters anyway.

What she loved, what she was passionate about, what she aspired to become…  her dreams… her… list.

I got to know this ambitious college girl that completely swept me off my feet with her chill attitude, her laid back style, and her sharp wit and unique charm.  During the first months of learning more about this woman, I would just sit back and long to BLURT OUT the words,

DAMN I LOVE YOU!

even during the first few times just hanging out and getting to know my huge little crush…  her viewpoints on love, and relationships… sex…  the determination that can be felt from the steadiness of her voice…  a strong woman… something I had longed to find again in a woman of such… potential … such…  powerful beauty.

The tenderness in her desires for me…

For US.

I love the way the sunlight makes her look… it just illuminates her entire body…  she literally glows in it.  Its incredible…  I’ve never experienced a more breathtaking moment while admiring the woman in my life; she is a very stunning woman.

I wasn’t looking for a fling with her, and I don’t think she knew what hit her once I showed her what loving a man like me is all about.  I’ve never felt so good about myself…  so confident…

so….

RIGHT.

Right with another human being.

I really felt it.

the perfect fit.

it was fucking perfect.

But things got complicated.

Ultimately she couldn’t understand me, she couldn’t figure out what I wanted…  and it drove her crazy.

she just wanted to make me happy.

she just wanted to be enough…

the thing is…  she always was.

I guess I just couldn’t show her.

She was my world for a long time… almost an entire year now…

it doesn’t feel like a year to me though.  It feels much more like a lifetime.

I’ve been through a lot of bad shit in the past year… and a lot of it has to do with this relationship.  I’ve grown so much… yet gave up so much responsibility at the same time.

When I first met her, I was working 2 jobs trying to make the world that I got dumped on me work…  well… now I’ve taken back my life, and I’ve learned to live my life for myself again.

slowly…. one 50-60 hours a week job became 40-45…. and the 10-20 hrs a week at the day job became 10-20 a month…

I was spending money like crazy, I was barely making it before, but now there is just no WAY I’m able to make it.

even though they may be inversely proportional…

lets face it

Love is expensive.

I began working on my new found career but I had to start off with no pay and come up with about $400 of my own money for the tools and equipment I needed to make this thing a reality.

Imagine myspaceFamous with just ONE job.

She couldn’t handle the 3 job having, doing side work for friends, and living in the place I was in at the time.

She didn’t cut me much slack and I cant say I deserved it  Its not like Im entitled to it.  But I just tried to tell her that this wasn’t forever, and it would only be a few months until I could stand on my own 2 feet with just one source of income.

I suppose that’s a lot to ask from a beautiful young smart and sexy college girl..

I just wanted to be worth it to her.

I needed to be.

I used to fall asleep every time a movie came on at home or in the theater, within the first 30 minutes usually I used to always be tired when we would hang out, and nod off often..

I was completely exhausted

Looking back, I missed out on so much so many good times that I could have had, so many good people I could have met..

And that’s ok,

because I have ME back now and THAT is truly priceless.

I’ve learned something; its not the concept that is new to me, but the principle:

You cant take it with you.

I can honestly say that I am not afraid of anything anymore.

I used to be afraid of falling behind on the house mortgage in “Midwest”… I always thought Mom would have been so disappointed in me….  for letting the inheritance she left me just…. slip away like that…

But I cant live my life like that.

The fact is that Ill never get the chance to make her proud of me ever again Ill never get to show her the kind of man I am.  Ill never get to listen to her brag about her son to her friends and my family.

And that’s some seriously heavy emotional shit to deal with, man.

I’m not afraid to NEVER answer my phone when bill collectors are calling..

I’m not afraid to take risks and learn a new life experience even if I do fail.

I’m not afraid to disappoint others expectations of me if I cant muster the time or energy to help them out.  It sounds terrible I am even disgusted with the way it looks in print.

But its the truth.

I couldn’t stand to fail…  I was completely driven by my own insane ambitions I called my hopes and my dreams for my future.  I was DETERMINED to make it work…  to make it ALL work somehow…

No sleep, No Food, No me time, No money, No Time in general just a bad ass car and a whole lot of other bills….  and now… I was adding a girlfriend to the equation?

I wasn’t ready for it….

Not at all.

“You find love when you least expect it.”

If I didn’t have this “Midwest” burden on my back, I would truly be a different person…  but in all honesty with myself, I am carrying around this baggage like a curse.  So in effect

It really is my own fault for being so stressed out.

Look at the world realistically and respectively from a motivational standpoint and it makes sense.

There are those that dont lift a fucking finger to work, or study, or help, just worthless in most situations, most of the time…

People that just suck at life..

People like that exist.

Yet, they are doing just fine.

They have a roof over their head, food on the table, gas in the tank / someone else’s cars / etc.

They are not killing themselves and stressing out and pushing their limits what so ever.

Not like me… Certainly not like I used to be

Yet they are doing just as well.

I guess that’s where I’m at right now that’s what I’m trying to sort out

How can I get back on track, and move forward.  I don’t like being the guy that is always stressed out the guy that’s always nodding off because in his 5 minutes of sitting down, he falls asleep.  I don’t want to be the guy that always passes out by his 3rd beer anymore, I don’t want to pass up the chance to hang out with good people because the thought of my bed and all the sleep I could manage to get before I had to be up in 3 hrs

I’m ready to enjoy the new life I now lead.  As just being myspaceFamous The Cable Guy.

No more pizza driving, no more intense office ego flaring day job work,

just one job,

Just Cable Contractor and nothing else.

And damn good money if I bust my ass. And hustle.

And I AM a hardcore hustler.

But its all so new to me being just… well… “myspaceFamous“.

I know myself, but what I don’t know is what to do with myself when I get these overwhelming anxiety attacks about my bills…  my future… my credit.. my world.  Every time I’ve gotten that feeling since I spent what little money mom left me behind I DRIVE myself to go into work and try to utilize the nervous energy and apply it to something useful.

I turn my weaknesses, into the source of my strengths.

I used to just kind of say “fuck it” and let it go, but now everything is so much more critical to my well being.  As a kid, I could brush it all off and come home to a comfy bed, or if I was in the “getting kicked out / leaving home” phases, I was so head strong and stubborn that I had no issues with sleeping in my car or at a friends place.  Just so long as I didn’t have to compromise.

I never thought something like that could just disappear, you know?  I’ve been a good friend before, and I’ve been a single guy before (successfully… -grin-), but now, for the first time this Decade.. in a lot of ways, for the first time ever…

I can actually learn to enjoy being the man I’ve become, all on my own.

I used to need the aid of my peers… my friends…. women, I used to require that they reinforce my good standing with the universe in order for me to be complete.  I’m aware now that I’ve been seriously co-dependent in my moments of anxiety, and self loathing.

that is something that I wish I could have learned sooner.

I guess the damage has already been done.

I just wanted to be happy with the woman that completed me, that complimented my every flaw and stood strong in the most dire of circumstances and held true to herself.

I have the utmost respect for her, obviously.

but like I said…. things got complicated.

What happens when the love of your life becomes too high maintenance?

 

I can’t go on like this

I can’t risk losing it all… over a temper tantrum

It’s completely my fault.

I am the one that causes her to get so upset in the first place.  If I hadn’t done all the rotten evil things I do, then she wouldn’t have a reason to be all up in arms about me and my true feelings and intentions.

I take full responsibility.

This hasn’t all been easy or fun for me…  I’ve had to face every single personal fucking flaw that I have now as well as inventory my progression in life of all the flaws I’ve ever had before now.  Throughout the course of this bittersweet tale with such a sad and unjust ending, I’ve had to look at myself harder than I ever have before.  I’ve had to get at what makes me tick, what is at the very roots of my flaws and issues?

And how can I build a better myspaceFamous.

and ya know what?

I needed it.

I needed to get a fresh perspective on myself… because I was truly stuck in a bad place…

my own mind.

I know that I am very into what I’m doing; I’m very into what I am thinking most of the time… I have trouble stepping outside my own little universe of bullshit that I trap myself in and I capture the feelings of pure bliss and joy just as much as I do the pangs of hurt and vindictiveness.

I am only a man…

and I do bleed…

just like you.

I am striving to be a better person,

I always have.

I always will.

I WANT to be able to step outside of my slow personal hell without my world crumbling in upon me….  but the issues still float around me… the house that JUST WON’T FUCKING SELL!  The hours Ive had to put in to make the money I need to support a better lifestyle for myself… and potentially for us.  It’s all even more difficult since I no longer do the day job OR deliver pizza on the weekends… they were the source of all the back up funds I had to come up with when I used to manage to scrape up every dime I had and achieve amazing things in creative financing

I have only a few short months before I ultimately get sued and my credit is FUCKED for life anyway if this house doesn’t sell,

Well myspaceFamous

It’s going to be ok….

I’ll just be like the rest of America, in debt up to their eyeballs with little to show for it…

Yet for me, for the first time that’s ok.

If I could just not make MY life so important over everything else around me…  it just might make me a better person…  give me some character.

So…

even though these next few months…. I dunno… maybe more…  they are going to be Real REAL fucking hard…  I can honestly say that I’ve walked away from this whole mess as a better person, and that I have NO regrets.

I just want to be happy for myself right now, by myself.

I can’t fathom holding my heart open to such an idea that “true love will prevail by staying forever true to her that you found true love with.”

Come on man…

you ain’t ever gunna burn my heart out.

Perhaps if I thought that I could make it work without the fear of being incarcerated because I caused a reaction in someone else as a result of stifling my own anger and an evasion of conflict.

But I don’t.

There are so many more pages to the story that I haven’t gotten to understand to sort out yet.

The Cycle has begun.

I think she is a wonderful girl, but there is more to life than one person.  I cant let her be the ruin of me.

I value her place that she will always hold in my heart too much to let that happen.

so…

here I am.

Single.

#159899737

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